Reaching for that star.

I've been thinking, nothing new about that. I've been thinking about where I am right now. Where I am with my life and where I'm going to be in the near future. I'm proud of where I am and wouldn't take back a single minute of how I got here. It's been a roller coaster but I'm satisfied. I know what I want to be, I have a goal, I have a target. I want to be an art student, no matter what it takes. I know I'm not the best, nor am I that great. I use photography as a form of self expression. But that doesn't mean I don't have room for improvement. So I went out on a limb and made a facebook note and tagged people who have inspired me with their artwork.

But what if I'm not good enough. What if those people who inspire me think I'm not good enough? I think I've said before how I've placed such high standards, even for my photos. I upload a lot, but how many of them am I really proud of? I'll admit, not that many. I like some of my shots, I have some decent ones, but I think there's only a few that I fell in love with.

I don't know you guys. I'm just honestly scared that when I finish high school, go for an interview at some college or some university, they'll tell me that my artwork is not good enough for their school. I know this may sound a bit absurd but I honestly want schools fighting for my decision on which school I'll attend. It sounds selfish, it sounds stupid, it sounds impossible but that's what I'm aiming for. That's my unexplainably high standard.

Some people have really high standards for their significant other. Some people have really high standards for food or even friends or even television shows.

I have some unexplainable, impossibly high standards for my artwork. I want schools to tell me that my artwork is AMAZING and that they'd be honoured for me to be there. At least two schools. I want someone to be so amazed at my artwork, that I'll record them saying that my picture is amazing just so that I can hear it. Yes, I'm insecure about my photos.

Why? Because I feel like it's not living up to it's potential. I'm not living up to my potential. And that's partially my fault, that's what you're thinking. But how can I live up to my potential if I can't have feedback past the "I like your pictures, oh they're nice, good job." I want to know what makes a great picture differentiate from an average one.

Yes, I realize I'm being contradicting in this post. I realize that self expression should not be judged because it's in the eyes of the beholder. And yes, I know you all think that my photos are great. Or close to that positive feedback. But why do I have this unsatisfaction in the back of my mind and in the bottom of my stomach? Like I have a voice inside my head whispering that it's not good enough, it never is.

Or maybe my time at home and isolation from the world is finally taking its toll on my mind. The funny part is, if someone does give me some honest feedback, I'll be satisfied. Then later on, after I take to heart what that person said, I'll probably be back on this kind of thinking.

And no, this isn't emo. This is just ranting, trying to vent out because I know that if I don't, I'll end up breaking another hole in my wall.

I have never wanted anything in my life more than being an art student. I cannot live my life without being aknowledged as an art student. I cannot die until I satisfy this demon that continues to tell me that my work is not good enough. I cannot just lie to myself and tell myself that I AM good enough, because I know that there are better photographers out there. And yes, I realize that I am being a bigger bitch than a bitch who's hard to please.

It's like this.

If no one is out there to criticize your work, you'll never know how great you really are.
Beacause without people who's sole purpose is to hate, you can't improve.
If there is no one out there will tell you, you're great, you'll never hear that you are.
Saying it to yourself doesn't count, that's just being egotistical.
If there is no one there that will tell you, you suck, you'll never have the need to prove that you aren't.
Or even recieving such comments that will put you on the path to improvement.
Without that need to improve or to prove someone false, you'll be doing the same shit over and over again.

I want to improve because I want to be an art student. Photography is my passion, a form of self expression. A way for the world to see how I see it's beauty. Your harsh words will not dampen my fire. I yearn to be the best, I want to be the ones other photographers ask for advice. I want to be the photographer that art teachers are proud of teaching. Most of all, I want to be a cotdamn art student.

And I am doing everything in that I can to make that dream a reality.