So I'm sitting here, in front of my computer screen. Then i get this fantastic idea, hey, why not check out my illicit desire website? ahha funny thing too. the name of the whole site. illicit desire. illicit means forbidden or unlawful or a secret. desire obviously means somethign you want. something you crave. something that you strongly wish for or want. back then, i had a lot of illicit desire. i craved so many things at one point in my life. I craved to smoke, i craved to fight, i craved to flirt, i craved to steal. everything you can possibly think of. but i put all that behind me. or so i thought. lately, things have been rough for my mind. in a sense that ive begun that state where i think too much. i hate thinking. i really do. i hate writing. i hate being a person of words. i hate this. im sad to say that sometimes i feel like i hate myself. Right now, i'm just spilling whats on my mind for the past week. I've been frustrated. This whole week. and i've been holding in the urge to punch somethign. Why? Cuz i promised you. So much, that i think im going to snap any minute now. at the first person who gets on my nerve. Never happened before. But i guess there is a first time for everythign. Honestly, i hate being like this. I feel so not me. I feel angry, hateful, frustrated and confused. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. and for no particular reason. someone once said, habits are okay, once in a while. sometimes, it helps you get away from things. maybe thats why. i havnt gotten out of reality. i remember i would always daydream, i would always feel like i'm not bound to this earth. that i feel so heavenly that i feel like i can sincerly talk to God. its quite funny actually. Sometimes, i feel like He is guiding me. But enough about that.
Actually, enough about me. i talk too much about myself. What about you reader? Are you happy with how you are ? Why am i even asking you? Not like you're going to respond. I think im in dire need of a vacation from my surrounding. Or maybe i just need to pick up my little lighter and find one of those thigns. Or not. I can fight this. But where will that lead me?
Who knows. What the fuck am i even talking about ?
sdjfnsadjfk sdl sdfksd kldk fk lsdkfo sdkfsdlk fsdkf laskd fsd fsldf
its funny that i claim to be a man of words. yet i cant explain this feeling iin me. this endless frustration over nothing. and because i cant know why im frustrated. i obviously get more frustrated. why are you still reading ? this is just nonsense.
I can't find my smile.
It's been gone for a while
I lost it. Can you help me find it?
I lost my eyes, i've gone blind
Can you help me, if you dont mind?
I lost my senses, I'm useless
I'm emotionless, i'm worthless
I've lost it, I've lost myself
Can't you see i'm asking for help?
I just can't seem to find what i seek
Why am i feeling useless and weak?
I've lost all these things, how do i stand?
If i'm just a thought waiting in your hands?
To be honest, i have no idea what's going on with myself. I think i lost myself in my thinking. And i can't get out. I just keep thinking and thinking but it wont come out. its like i've become dumb. i hear them talking but i cant reply. its like i lost my voice. i honestly dont know. how is the world gonna put up with me being like this again? maybe i should just isolate myself until it passes. or avoid people. sounds emo don't it? But hey, no one wants to talk to a person who doesnt wanna talk. People get mad when people are like this. being stupid and whatnot. but for me, thinking stupidly, being emo like this, its like a girl's pms. it happens often. and this is why i hate myself.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Continuing The Journey..
Hold up - Are your rhymes are copyrighted?
They are? So I hav the right to copy 'em?
But i wont - Cuz i can write better versions
So i will - I feel my sleeping mind emerging
Rising - Like the fame of Wentworth Miller
And yet - My mind is acting like a gambler
Taking a leap of faith when the odds are against me
Praying that I won't be written in the obituary
I write my wrongs hoping to be saved
So I let my thoughts bring me to my grave
Pessimistic thoughts are forbidden in here
So be optimistic when your facing your fears
Face your fears? That's calling upon death
I'll fight off temptation up to my very last breath
Stay away habits, I don't need you anymore
I fought you off before, I kicked you out the door
I love it how i see you everywhere even when i think i'm free
It's like your always on my mind - or is it that you're stalking me?
Every corner, every hiding spot, i see you with your shining eyes
Smiling an evil smug, while i'm trying to say goodbye
You must be deaf, i know you can hear me clearly
I'm screaming as loud as i can, please leave me be
I don't need you anymore, i don't need your company
I locked you in the depths of my mind and lost the only key
So why is it you return when I feel truly happy?
I can hear you breaking free, screaming "love me!"
But i don't feel that way about you, just let me go
Like Jesus said, Man cannot live only on dough
Yes, I'll admit i gave in easily, back when i was a fiend
I hear them calling out to me asking where have i been?
Old habits die hard, but i refuse to give up
I recognize my mistakes, enough is enough
I'm happy where i am right now, so please leave me alone
You should be proud that i don't need you, I'm on my own
Yes, old habits do die hard, but i keep mine under control
I let them free sometimes, but only cuz they keep me whole
They are? So I hav the right to copy 'em?
But i wont - Cuz i can write better versions
So i will - I feel my sleeping mind emerging
Rising - Like the fame of Wentworth Miller
And yet - My mind is acting like a gambler
Taking a leap of faith when the odds are against me
Praying that I won't be written in the obituary
I write my wrongs hoping to be saved
So I let my thoughts bring me to my grave
Pessimistic thoughts are forbidden in here
So be optimistic when your facing your fears
Face your fears? That's calling upon death
I'll fight off temptation up to my very last breath
Stay away habits, I don't need you anymore
I fought you off before, I kicked you out the door
I love it how i see you everywhere even when i think i'm free
It's like your always on my mind - or is it that you're stalking me?
Every corner, every hiding spot, i see you with your shining eyes
Smiling an evil smug, while i'm trying to say goodbye
You must be deaf, i know you can hear me clearly
I'm screaming as loud as i can, please leave me be
I don't need you anymore, i don't need your company
I locked you in the depths of my mind and lost the only key
So why is it you return when I feel truly happy?
I can hear you breaking free, screaming "love me!"
But i don't feel that way about you, just let me go
Like Jesus said, Man cannot live only on dough
Yes, I'll admit i gave in easily, back when i was a fiend
I hear them calling out to me asking where have i been?
Old habits die hard, but i refuse to give up
I recognize my mistakes, enough is enough
I'm happy where i am right now, so please leave me alone
You should be proud that i don't need you, I'm on my own
Yes, old habits do die hard, but i keep mine under control
I let them free sometimes, but only cuz they keep me whole
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Addicted to Lumines
Let's warm up.
Hold up - Are your rhymes are copyrighted?
They are? So I hav the right to copy 'em?
But i wont - Cuz i can write better versions
So i will - I feel my sleeping mind emerging
Rising - Like the fame of Wentworth Miller
And yet - My mind is acting like a gambler
Taking a leap of faith when the odds are against me
Praying that I won't be written in the obituary
-----------e-n-d---------------
Hello readers. I know, I have taken a small hiatus from my writings. Only because i have been distracted lately. With what you ask? Something i like to call, daydream. I have been daydreaming a lot recently. Trying to bring up some sort of inspiration from the depths of my mind. With that said, I am proud to announce the start of my new story. For those of you who don't know, which is probably most of you, I usually write love stories that end up in ironic situations. Why? Because I feel like its the one emotion i try to understand. That, plus i have a lot of influence of relationships and situations that it ends up in. I find that love stories can be twisted and turned and plotted up to the point where it has more curves than a curvy line. Enough with random blogging. Time to put a backbone to this site. People have been complaining that this is just random blogging. Which it is. But they said that i should practice my english skills and put it into a proper structure. With that said, I am starting my one specific topic rule. Each blog, i will vent on my thoughts about one specific topic. Feel free to comment about the topic or something totally random. I'd like to get some ideas for new topics to share my opinion for.
Confidence is one of the many gifts you can give to someone. It'll give them the courage to stand up and perform or even to be less shy. Confidence can be brought out from compliments, aspiration and inspiration, and bringing out the best in people. I was at a dance practice visiting my girlfriend. It was the audition for the dance team and i just happened to be there. I'm no dancer. And I emphasize on NO. I don't dance. Grinding doesn't count. A monkey can do that. So i was bored and i tried out their choreography. It was fun i might add. Learning the steps and practicing it to perfection (as perfect as i can make it). For some reason, i ended up trying out for the dance and auditioning. I have no idea how that happened, but i did. I don't know if i made it or not, (somehow doubting that i did), but i'd be pretty damn proud if i did. That's not where my confidence came from that day. It came from the judges who were bringing out what they thought i did well. My first time ever doing choreograph and they thought i did pretty goood. Much love and thanks to the judges of that day. You guys made me more confident about trying new things and i might try again next year.
Another place where i gained some sort of confidence that night was when i was complimented by my friend. One of my other friends was trying to make me jealous, so she "stole" my girlfriend from me. Needless to say, i don't get jealous. It's just how i am. She persisted that i was jealous and just wasn't showing it. Then my friend said how "why does he have to be jealous for? Angelo isn't that type of person. He's so humble." That gave me confidence that i am a good person. Because lately, i've been wondering if i was.
Am i a bad influence or a good influence?
On another note. Thank you for reading and i am also proud to announce that i am thinking of starting a vlog. But don't worry, I will keep on writing down thoughts. Or do a combination of the two? Who knows what the future has in store. I just find it a bit old school to be blogging. Take care readers. Until next time!
Hold up - Are your rhymes are copyrighted?
They are? So I hav the right to copy 'em?
But i wont - Cuz i can write better versions
So i will - I feel my sleeping mind emerging
Rising - Like the fame of Wentworth Miller
And yet - My mind is acting like a gambler
Taking a leap of faith when the odds are against me
Praying that I won't be written in the obituary
-----------e-n-d---------------
Hello readers. I know, I have taken a small hiatus from my writings. Only because i have been distracted lately. With what you ask? Something i like to call, daydream. I have been daydreaming a lot recently. Trying to bring up some sort of inspiration from the depths of my mind. With that said, I am proud to announce the start of my new story. For those of you who don't know, which is probably most of you, I usually write love stories that end up in ironic situations. Why? Because I feel like its the one emotion i try to understand. That, plus i have a lot of influence of relationships and situations that it ends up in. I find that love stories can be twisted and turned and plotted up to the point where it has more curves than a curvy line. Enough with random blogging. Time to put a backbone to this site. People have been complaining that this is just random blogging. Which it is. But they said that i should practice my english skills and put it into a proper structure. With that said, I am starting my one specific topic rule. Each blog, i will vent on my thoughts about one specific topic. Feel free to comment about the topic or something totally random. I'd like to get some ideas for new topics to share my opinion for.
Confidence is one of the many gifts you can give to someone. It'll give them the courage to stand up and perform or even to be less shy. Confidence can be brought out from compliments, aspiration and inspiration, and bringing out the best in people. I was at a dance practice visiting my girlfriend. It was the audition for the dance team and i just happened to be there. I'm no dancer. And I emphasize on NO. I don't dance. Grinding doesn't count. A monkey can do that. So i was bored and i tried out their choreography. It was fun i might add. Learning the steps and practicing it to perfection (as perfect as i can make it). For some reason, i ended up trying out for the dance and auditioning. I have no idea how that happened, but i did. I don't know if i made it or not, (somehow doubting that i did), but i'd be pretty damn proud if i did. That's not where my confidence came from that day. It came from the judges who were bringing out what they thought i did well. My first time ever doing choreograph and they thought i did pretty goood. Much love and thanks to the judges of that day. You guys made me more confident about trying new things and i might try again next year.
Another place where i gained some sort of confidence that night was when i was complimented by my friend. One of my other friends was trying to make me jealous, so she "stole" my girlfriend from me. Needless to say, i don't get jealous. It's just how i am. She persisted that i was jealous and just wasn't showing it. Then my friend said how "why does he have to be jealous for? Angelo isn't that type of person. He's so humble." That gave me confidence that i am a good person. Because lately, i've been wondering if i was.
Am i a bad influence or a good influence?
On another note. Thank you for reading and i am also proud to announce that i am thinking of starting a vlog. But don't worry, I will keep on writing down thoughts. Or do a combination of the two? Who knows what the future has in store. I just find it a bit old school to be blogging. Take care readers. Until next time!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Colour Me Sorry
I have a tendency to place random titles for my blogs. So usually, the title has nothing to do with the blog. Well... the blog will be random so the title will never be relevant.
Remember how in the other blog, i said i might have commitment issues? Yeah... about that...
If anyone can clarify what this means, it would mean so much to me. My friend had thier relationship ended because their relationship wasn't going anywhere. And i was like "wtf?" I would understand if the chemistry, the spark was silenced. But what if they still had feeelings but the relation was terminated cuz it was idle? What the fadge? I did not realize that relationships had a destination. I was not aware that loving a girl that you are proud to call your girlfriend needed a finish line. I've been pondering about it and i have come to the conclusion that people shouldn't look too far into the future. Or you might lose sight of the now.
Now that i am done ranting. I figure i'd sleep. I don't think i have anymore to talk about. OH! Fate... yes. I just think that fate does have a role in our lives. Once is a coincidence. Twice is lucky. Three times is fate. That's my opinion anyways.
What else is bugging me today? Oh, i thought of starting my own vlog. cuz i think it'd be fun to just randomly rant off things on my mind. Maybe during the summer? yeah. sure why not.
Habits are bad. Bad habits are worse. Let's walk away shall we?
I love how you are prolly still reading. I ask you, why? Can you actually understand what i am talking about? Is there even an audience? Oh well. This is a way to organize my thoughts and release rant at my end of the day.
Grammar 101.
So here's an old poem of mine. One of my favourites that i have written. ENJOY
--------------------------------------
We just shrug our shoulders and think no more
We just ignore those who ask and shut the door
Spare change is all they want but we revolve around greed
We have ourselves to feed, but what about their needs?
It does no good for me to just complain and whine
But it beats all those who didn't make the time
To even expose the problems of the world to the world
And the world repays you by killing our world.
Remember how in the other blog, i said i might have commitment issues? Yeah... about that...
If anyone can clarify what this means, it would mean so much to me. My friend had thier relationship ended because their relationship wasn't going anywhere. And i was like "wtf?" I would understand if the chemistry, the spark was silenced. But what if they still had feeelings but the relation was terminated cuz it was idle? What the fadge? I did not realize that relationships had a destination. I was not aware that loving a girl that you are proud to call your girlfriend needed a finish line. I've been pondering about it and i have come to the conclusion that people shouldn't look too far into the future. Or you might lose sight of the now.
Now that i am done ranting. I figure i'd sleep. I don't think i have anymore to talk about. OH! Fate... yes. I just think that fate does have a role in our lives. Once is a coincidence. Twice is lucky. Three times is fate. That's my opinion anyways.
What else is bugging me today? Oh, i thought of starting my own vlog. cuz i think it'd be fun to just randomly rant off things on my mind. Maybe during the summer? yeah. sure why not.
Habits are bad. Bad habits are worse. Let's walk away shall we?
I love how you are prolly still reading. I ask you, why? Can you actually understand what i am talking about? Is there even an audience? Oh well. This is a way to organize my thoughts and release rant at my end of the day.
Grammar 101.
So here's an old poem of mine. One of my favourites that i have written. ENJOY
I Want to
I want to control the world
so I can give you anything
I want to relive the moments
when i was your everything
I want to go back to the day
when you said yes to me
I want to go back to when
all you needed was me
I want to be free
before I was locked in
I want to move away
from the problems I'm in
I want to invade your mind
like Professer Xavier
I want to control time,
so these moments i'd savour
I want to go back
to when I first met you
I want to go back
to when you said I love you
I want to learn to drive
so I can just run away
I want to change just for you
so maybe you'd stay
I want to provide you with everything
so a finger you wouldn't have to lift
I want a parachute
cuz I'm falling off this cliff
I want to be indifferent
so that i don't have to care
I want to be invisible
cuz the world just isnt fair
I want to get out of here
so i can start a new
I want to go back
to when I still loved you...
I want all
of these things
I want to be
remembered like kings
I want to vanish
disappear from the world
I want to write
so no one would hear my words
I want to stay
I want to run away
I want to breathe easy
I want to be free
I want to fall
I want to fly
I want to live
I want to die
I want to hate
I want to love
I want to stop
Ive had enough
I want nothing.
--------------------------------------
We just shrug our shoulders and think no more
We just ignore those who ask and shut the door
Spare change is all they want but we revolve around greed
We have ourselves to feed, but what about their needs?
It does no good for me to just complain and whine
But it beats all those who didn't make the time
To even expose the problems of the world to the world
And the world repays you by killing our world.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Moving Along. PT TWO
Previously, at part one.
Now.. onto part two.
So like i said, i use blogs to randomly post up what is on my mind. No rant, no hate, just the thoughts that are wandering through my mind.
I hate it when i lost my chain of thought. My phone rang and i immediately lost my mind's thoughts. Ugh, whatever. I await what tomorrow will bring.
P.S.
I will try to update this page each day for those who read.
Try to keep you up with the latest notions of my mind.
Hopefully, it will present a good read to those who take their time to read this.
Anyways, I thank you in advance. Please do comment to share what's on your mind.
Sincerly Yours,
Zane.
P.P.S.
I remembered now. I think i hav problems when it comes to relationships. I love to be in one, but i don't wanna be held down by the restrictions of one girl. yes, it sounds bad, but i realized that is how i am. I cannot stay socializing to only ONE girl. I have had a relationship where she prevented me from talking to other girls. Needless to say, i broke it off. Too different on how we see things. Maybe i do have commitment issues. Why would you care if i keep hurting myself in the process? But hey, I'm in one right now and today is our one month. Congrats to me.
Anyways, here's a story for you guys.
I was on the bus today and this girl kept on looking my direction. At first, i thought she was just looking past me and through the window but then i found myself staring into her eyes and she was staring back. So, the bus ride was really long. Traffic all the way to my destination, even though it wasn't the usual rush hour moment. She got up and sat next to me (because she was sitting across me). She asked me if the bus went to this street. But clueless me, i said "I don't know." Now, i thought this would end the conversation at that. But she was persistant. She kept the conversation going with needless questions. Then, what made me laugh the most was when she said "Oh, my stop is coming up. I have to go now." Realize that she started the conversation when she asked if the bus stopped at her stop. She ended the conversation "come visit me sometime." Sadly, i do not know her name or her phone. So she is another stranger that i will, hopefully, converse with again, if fate will allow me.
I am now a big fan of Fate. I will expand more on that tomorrow. Cuz i'm tired. Laters Readers!
So i decided to randomly write a note. Why? Cuz i don't wanna nerd on units anymore. Plus i lost my chain of thought on my essay. I was on a writing spree for like ten minutes then i blanked out. Sucks. I've been doing that a lot lately. Random bursts of daydream here and there. Half the time, my mind is just really blank. Maybe i have a mental problem lmao.
Again, my mind is filling up on random things that doesn't even matter anymore. Today's suppose to be a happy day too. But i guess staying up late has made me think too hard upon too many things. I should stop using facebook as a means of blogging. Maybe i should open a livejournal or a blog. Cuz the multiply website i use is dead. I don't even go on it. Maybe i'll go do that now.
Done and Done.
I will now use blogger.com in order to speak out the randomness that is my mind. If you care to read.
Here is my new page.http://www.illicitdesire.blogspot.com/
Thank you.
Come Again.
Now.. onto part two.
So like i said, i use blogs to randomly post up what is on my mind. No rant, no hate, just the thoughts that are wandering through my mind.
I hate it when i lost my chain of thought. My phone rang and i immediately lost my mind's thoughts. Ugh, whatever. I await what tomorrow will bring.
P.S.
I will try to update this page each day for those who read.
Try to keep you up with the latest notions of my mind.
Hopefully, it will present a good read to those who take their time to read this.
Anyways, I thank you in advance. Please do comment to share what's on your mind.
Sincerly Yours,
Zane.
P.P.S.
I remembered now. I think i hav problems when it comes to relationships. I love to be in one, but i don't wanna be held down by the restrictions of one girl. yes, it sounds bad, but i realized that is how i am. I cannot stay socializing to only ONE girl. I have had a relationship where she prevented me from talking to other girls. Needless to say, i broke it off. Too different on how we see things. Maybe i do have commitment issues. Why would you care if i keep hurting myself in the process? But hey, I'm in one right now and today is our one month. Congrats to me.
Anyways, here's a story for you guys.
I was on the bus today and this girl kept on looking my direction. At first, i thought she was just looking past me and through the window but then i found myself staring into her eyes and she was staring back. So, the bus ride was really long. Traffic all the way to my destination, even though it wasn't the usual rush hour moment. She got up and sat next to me (because she was sitting across me). She asked me if the bus went to this street. But clueless me, i said "I don't know." Now, i thought this would end the conversation at that. But she was persistant. She kept the conversation going with needless questions. Then, what made me laugh the most was when she said "Oh, my stop is coming up. I have to go now." Realize that she started the conversation when she asked if the bus stopped at her stop. She ended the conversation "come visit me sometime." Sadly, i do not know her name or her phone. So she is another stranger that i will, hopefully, converse with again, if fate will allow me.
I am now a big fan of Fate. I will expand more on that tomorrow. Cuz i'm tired. Laters Readers!
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