Thursday, April 30, 2009

Attention.

Lately, no one's really seeemed to stand out. I thought maybe I'm starting to lose interest in relationships or getting to know someone that might lead to that. Or maybe I just finally turned gay. Until today.

Yepp, someone caught my attention.
Am I beasting? Just a tad.
Will I pull a Snucks and stalk her? Probably not.
Why not? Because, I'm letting the universe handle that. Plus, I don't want to cramp John's style.
Do I want to get to know her? Obviously. I want to get to know the entire world.
Who is she? Only I know.

...okay I lied. Immanuel and John know her, personally. But Marcus knows what's running through my mind.

For the first time in a long time, a chick finally caught MY attention.
Whew, and here I thought, I was starting to turn gay.

Until next time!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Day 28.

Get ready for the most intense written work I've ever written in my life. Why? Because, this day (April 28th, forgot to post it) deserves one. So, for those who do not like reading such seriousness, please, close the damn browser. Yes Marcus, I sorta am directing it at you. But, forreal, if you don't know why 0428 deserves a written piece, then just leave too. It doesn't concern anyone but myself, and I'm using this day as a motivation to write something that can help me reach the phatoms of my mind and heart.

Dearest 0428,

April 28th. One year. Twelve months. 54 weeks. 365 days. That's how long we've known each other's name. Not exact, just an approximate. It's been six, almost seven entire months. Today sucks ass. I keep having random flashbacks of us. What use to be and how much we got along. At least before we started arguing. I know, I've written countless things because of you, but what can I say? You've impacted me big. You've affected me to the point that I gave up messing with girl's hearts. I gave up the other girls. I gave up everything, to make us work. Of course, not immidiately. But I did. Eventually. After all, you can't change how a person is, unless the person is willing to change for you. But I don't change for just anyone. And you know what? I'm happy that I did change, because I'm much happier. Am I happier being single? Well, I'm unsure about that. I'm satisfied with being single, having so much spare time, focusing in school, bowling, basketball and photography. But am I 100% happy without anyone calling me at night, to ask how my day went? I'll admit, I miss having someone to talk the late hours of the night, I miss having someone to talk to on the phone, though the lack of phone conversation has made me less and less of a phone person. I also think I still hold some sort of attachment to her, seeing as I actually am not looking for a girlfriend. Or maybe it's about time I realized that I don't need one, ever. One of the few people that have taught me so much and have impacted me greatly. You've taught me how to stay independent. How to survive without the help of others, how to love someone with all my heart, how to make someone happy. All I'm saying is that I've learned a lot, and maybe, just maybe, I'm still trying to adjust to who I've changed into. I'm not rushing into a relationship, I'm not even looking for one. Heck, I don't see myself dating anyone for the next couple of months, even years, but I don't look that far ahead into the future. You've made me be someone stronger, someone better, someone wiser. Someone who is motivated, dedicated and committed. And I cannot thank you for that. Though you tore me and broke me, I'm still trying to get over you. Why? Because what we went through, what we endured, the arguements, the good times, the bad, the worse, the horrible, the painful and the smiles throughout it all, is the definition of true love.

I can only wish for the best, and I pray that you'll always be safe.

Truly yours,
Lezada.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Two!

Hello fans and all.
You all know how much I love photography.
And, I know how much you guys love my photography.
Or not. haha
Regardless, here's two new albums from my flickr website.
So you should check it out!
Comment on it!
Give me feedback!
And view them all! :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sinematic/

And thank you for being such an inspiration that helps me motivate myself to keep doing what I do.

Until next time!

Sunday, April 26, 2009


EXPOSED!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Check.

Singularity is a possibility.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Bad Timing Cont'd

I'm the worst at this. Breaking off a relationship. I could never do it properly, without any tears. Why do break ups always have to end in hurt, pain and tears? Why haven't I had one experience where the break up resulted in a happy ending? My friends always tell me about how they're still talking to their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. I've never had a single conversation with someone I've dated after the break up. But I had no choice, I didn't want to lead her on anymore. I don't love her anymore. I just don't feel like being in a relationship. After the previous ones, I just don't see the purpose of relationship and commitment anymore. I really like her, but I think she deserves someone who is commited to her and is willing to be there for her when she needs someone there for her. Me? I can't be there for her, because I've changed. I'm not that type of person anymore, and it's all her fault. I guess it's just bad timing.

Bad timing, I hated when a girl would tell me that. It would always mean that we could've been something but because their stupid ex screwed them over and they're still drooling over them, ruins my future with them. It meant that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet or she's just not that interested in being held down. I hated it. And look at me now, I'm going to be the one telling her. I'm the one that an ex screwed over. I'm the one that isn't ready to be committed. I'm the one that doesn't want to be held down. I'm a fucking hypocrite.

I keep telling myself this, and I never follow through. I've been putting this aside for almost a month now. And the more and more I spend time with her, the less and less feelings I feel for her. Right now, and I'll probably feel bad for even thinking of it like this, but I feel like she's more of a friends with benefit, except she loves me. What can I do? I don't want to see her as just that. I'd rather have her as my friend rather than someone I'm using. I suppose this is it. I'm just planning it all out right now.

Pick her up from her place, bring her to a fancy restaurant. Buy the most expensive meal that she could enjoy. Take her out to the beach out of town, the skyline of the city from there is beautiful. Hold her in my arms one last time. After the sun has set and spending a few couple of hours, I'll drop her home. Thank God her parents won't be home. They treat us like we're married. I'm only nineteen and she's eighteen, I don't think marriage was anywhere near our future.

I got ready, made sure that I looked presentable. I may be breaking up with her, but I wanted to be the best I can be for this moment. I want her to remember the good times, and not the bad. Today, tonight, I'm going to try and keep a friendship with an exgirlfriend.

So here I go. I got up, walked towards the door. God help me.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hard To Get.

It's hard. How hard?

Like telling your lungs to stop breathing.
Like telling your heart to stop pumping.
Like telling Lebron James to quit basketball.
Like telling a slut to stop fucking.
Like telling a scientist that the the universe revolves around earth.
Like telling a pilot that the world is flat.
Like telling an archaeologist dinosaurs don't exist.
Like expecting a calculator to say that one plus one equals nine.
Like convincing a person to jump off a ten story building and he'll live.
Like changing the dictionary to remove love from it's content.
Like explaining that water is not made up of two hydrogen and one oxygen atom.
Like a blind man trying to kill a paraplegic by shooting him in the leg.
Like trying to catch a charmander with bulbsaur with only ONE pokeball.
Like trying to convince God that God doesn't exist.

It's hard, like trying to convince myself that I'll stay single for this whole year.

It's that hard.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Photography Inspiration.

I thought about where I get my inspiration from regarding photography because someone asked me today. My answer?

I want to show the world the beauty I see in every single thing. Photography is so unique to each person. It's a way to capture your experience and that moment and forever engrave it and share it to the world. Photography is not just a hobby or my future career. It's life. It's love. It keeps me sane. Photography is true love. Photography allows me to portray beauty where it's least expected. That's my motto in photography. Look everywhere, at every angle, find that inner beauty. But then again, that's just me.

And honestly, the different shots that other photographers make, the way they edit things, it's so unique to themselves. I idolize a lot of different photographers, not because of the pro editting skills they possess, not because they took a dope shot somewhere, but because of how they bring out the beauty in a situation that I could not possibly think was interesting.

Photography, to me, is bringing out the inner beauty of your everyday objects.

LOLercopter!

Let me start off by
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sinematic/3461270581/
^ My first hater! :)
Yes, I do realize that picture isn't the best it could've.
But, it brought me some entertainment.


Adσlf says (12:07 AM):
all artists have their critics
Adσlf says (12:08 AM):
growing signs of an artist


Anyways, it was funny.
And now, I'm off to sleep.
Because for the first time this year,
I played ball.
Hooray! Excersise.
Now, off to dreamland!

Oh, and a quote for you dedicated fans.

LOVE - what is love? A great and aching heart;
Wrung hands; and silence; and a long despair.
Life - what is life? Upon a moorland bare
To see love coming and see love depart.
- Robert Louis Stevenson

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

LOL.

J. De Guzman ;; Misery comes with company. says (9:42 PM):
k, well, she's a girl
J. De Guzman ;; Misery comes with company. says (9:43 PM):
you're a slu
J. De Guzman ;; Misery comes with company. says (9:43 PM):
LMFAO
J. De Guzman ;; Misery comes with company. says (9:43 PM):
it just works out



it was just so worthy of a post.

Monday, April 20, 2009

First Day of School.

One step closer in reaching my dream. Then maybe, when I've reached that star, surpassed that bar, and finally looking down at the world, feeling proud about the journey I overcame, maybe I'll finally live happily.


Much love to those who keep holding me down. I love you like a mother loves her son.

Projects.

Still have fifty plus pictures to edit.
Gotta start working on the music video script.
Have at least one small photoshoot this week.
School tomorrow.
Bring.
It.
On.



have you seen my pictures yet? http://flickr.com/photos/sinematic; want to contact me? send me a message via facebook, blogspot or flickr.
My family's so awesome. More on that later.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Bad Timing.

Hello readers and all! A new story just emerged from the depths of my mind, and here it is! A sample, a preview, a taste! Hope you look forward to the rest of this short story!

I'm the worst at this. Breaking off a relationship. I could never do it properly, without any tears. Why do break ups always have to end in hurt, pain and tears? Why haven't I had one experience where the break up resulted in a happy ending? My friends always tell me about how they're still talking to their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. I've never had a single conversation with someone I've dated after the break up. But I had no choice, I didn't want to lead her on anymore. I don't love her anymore. I just don't feel like being in a relationship. After the previous ones, I just don't see the purpose of relationship and commitment anymore. I really like her, but I think she deserves someone who is commited to her and is willing to be there for her when she needs someone there for her. Me? I can't be there for her, because I've changed. I'm not that type of person anymore, and it's all her fault. I guess it's just bad timing.

Fans!

Okay, I guess I have somewhat of a fan base now?
Let's get it straight.
I'm just me, trying to follow my dreams.
It means a lot that you guys are supporting me.
So, dear fans, supporters, readers, and haters.
Thank you so much for being here and giving me the motivation I lacked a while back.

And of course,
Special thanks to these few.

Egotistic Family; the beginning of something awesome.

M. Lomboy; the first person who ever invested in my talents and pushed me to be better.

J. DeGuzman; you're a fag, thanks for sticking through, family over everything.

G. Marcelo; thanks for always looking forward to my work and always telling me to write you stories :P

A. Loo; when are we going to take those pictures? but you love my pictures, so i guess your a fan too, jerk! (:

N. Reyes; sorry for not posting anything lately. I've been busy with pictures, which do you prefer btw? LOL

G. Trinidad; creeper, i don't even have to add more to that LOL

A. Eleazar; I don't even know if you'll read this, but thanks sis! Without your help, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere.

R. Rafal; I know you hate your last name, but thanks for holding me down everytime b!

C. Nanlal; we're so alike, it's kinda creepy. But thanks for helping me out and liking my work :)

K. Nik; Twin? LOL, read up and I'll keep posting daily.

R. Remo; I'm your official photographer, right? LMAO, see you in hell? :P

S. Rodriguez; Fatass bitch (: best thing for you, I'm telling you LOL

S. Khan; i probably mispelt this, but you know, i just had to mention you. thanks for your support bro!

C. Bautista; you crazy kid! thanks for reading my work and making me feel like i'm pro, and with my pictures too! see you soon!

And for those who I didn't mention seperately, I apologize, but love to all of you people who pass by this. Thanks for your support and thank you for keeping me motivated. (: Much love.

Sneak Peek.


Just a sneak peek at the upcoming projects that you'll be seeing soon enough
Twenty two layers.
Time spent: 1hr 30 min.
A lot more work to do still!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Reasons.

This is why she liked me.

1. you talked to me
2. i found it adorabley cute when you called early in the friggen mornnig and said something about boxes haha
3. you were always there to talk to
4. the making fun of, i got use to


This is why I like(d) her.

the fact that you're fat and probably warm and give good hugs.

I got owned. LOL.
Clearly.

Lazy.

Another short post, seeing as I've been kind of lazy. But I will tell you this.
Egotistic Productions are working on some heavy projects.
Look forward to that friends!
Single life is killing me, I think acting gay with your friends without the knowledge that you have a girlfriend makes you question your sexuality.
So, get at me ;) LOL kidding, I'm enjoying the single life. But I'm still adjusting.
Photoshoots are a definite must now. I'm more focused than ever, and to be honest, it's kind of scaring me of how BAD I am determined to become a photographer and aknowledged as at art student.
I think I found my twin, we think exactly alike and even have the same preference. How odd.
Yeah, I'm talking about you. I know you're reading this.
Talk about small world. We went to the same school for two years and never even met, ONCE.
For real, that's automatic family bond, especially if we think alike LOL.
Anyways, I have a photo to finish editting.
And tell me why, today, I helped out THREE, not one, not two, THREE girls.
Helped them out how? Helped them realize that the person they're crushing on, liking or whatever isn't worth whatever they're putting themselves through.
No wait, FOUR.
My God.
I guess I'm just the perfect "friend". Helping girls realize that forgetting their past is for the best.
Honestly, I think this shows that I'm done with relationships PERIOD.
I'm sick of this drama.
I'm sick of people not realizing what is important.
Mostly, I'm sick of helping others find their happiness when I can't even find my bliss.
So fuck it all, I'm sticking to my future. Because honestly, only three things make me happy.
Family, writing and photography.
Did you know that swans, spend their entire life searching for their soulmate?
They have some sort of unexplainable magnet, pulling them towards their soulmate.
And they only have one mate. And they have that magnet pulling them towards each other.
Until they do find each other.
I believe people have the same magnet. Except we don't follow it as strongly as swans.
Where does that leave me?
I have a magnet too, but right now, I switched it to repel rather than attract.
Because if my opposite wants a happy life, I think she's best off trying to find it with someone else.
For real, it'll have to take an amazing girl to change my stubborn mind.

Until next time!

And Karl, I hope that was long enough for you LMAO

Friday, April 17, 2009

Dollars.

So I learned today that a loonie (one dollar) is over ten minutes on a payphone. And being the asian that I am, I wanted to use every penny of that dollar. So what did I do? I called Snucks, who had my freaking cellphone, lent it to him to chop a girl but he failed LOL. And talked on the phone for ten freaking minutes. Is that cheap of me? Yes. Is that homo of us? Definitely. But my asian-ness proved to overcome my anti homo defenses. And I realized that when you're hanging out with just one guy friend and you're single, things tend to feel a bit gay. LOL. Kay, I'm probably going to write again later on tonight, but for now, this is it.

Oh, and vote on my poll. :)

Until next time!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Rummaging!

I was cleaning up my facebook notes, deleting old ones, etc. and I came across this.
Now, I usually post it on this site too but in case I haven't, I wouldn't want to lose this. Especially because this poem that I personally wrote, helped me through some hard times. So, enjoy this little flashback.

Poetic Prayer.

I manifested myself inside the deepest corner of my mind.
I inhale oxygen as I focus on what hides inside of my thoughts.
And I've fought off temptations from demons stepping out of line.
I'm hiding my heart and never letting it feel the hurt from battles I've fought

So why do I have the need to expose my heart like my eyes?
For everyone to see that I care more than anyone really should
So that everyone can see that I am the truth hidden beneath the lies
That a person that cares exist and I actually would

Go out of my own way to make everyone around me happy
Because I'm selfless that I place everyone before me
But when, Oh God, will I find mine? And sadly,
I'm getting tired of letting people step over me

And not getting a single glance of recognition
Yes, I know, being humble is what Jesus did
But why is being caring a part of my intuition?
Why can I not care, or do you, God, forbid

Me from being like half of the beings
Who can only care about materialistic needs
Who can't believe anything that they're not seeing
Who's only ambition is to feed their bottomless greed

What am i, your son, to do in this situation?
I look up to you, God, but I hear nothing on your end
I'm praying to you, Lord, if I am your creation
Then why do I suffer at every corner and bend?

I apologize for the hate steaming from my prayer
Because I'm slowly starting to doubt that I can
Go on with life, I have a need to put on layers
Becase in the end, I can only hold out my hand

And hope that you will reach out for mine
Help me believe that I am not worthless
I give away my life to those who ask for my time
But God, right now, I feel nothing could be worth this.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Reaching for that star.

I've been thinking, nothing new about that. I've been thinking about where I am right now. Where I am with my life and where I'm going to be in the near future. I'm proud of where I am and wouldn't take back a single minute of how I got here. It's been a roller coaster but I'm satisfied. I know what I want to be, I have a goal, I have a target. I want to be an art student, no matter what it takes. I know I'm not the best, nor am I that great. I use photography as a form of self expression. But that doesn't mean I don't have room for improvement. So I went out on a limb and made a facebook note and tagged people who have inspired me with their artwork.

But what if I'm not good enough. What if those people who inspire me think I'm not good enough? I think I've said before how I've placed such high standards, even for my photos. I upload a lot, but how many of them am I really proud of? I'll admit, not that many. I like some of my shots, I have some decent ones, but I think there's only a few that I fell in love with.

I don't know you guys. I'm just honestly scared that when I finish high school, go for an interview at some college or some university, they'll tell me that my artwork is not good enough for their school. I know this may sound a bit absurd but I honestly want schools fighting for my decision on which school I'll attend. It sounds selfish, it sounds stupid, it sounds impossible but that's what I'm aiming for. That's my unexplainably high standard.

Some people have really high standards for their significant other. Some people have really high standards for food or even friends or even television shows.

I have some unexplainable, impossibly high standards for my artwork. I want schools to tell me that my artwork is AMAZING and that they'd be honoured for me to be there. At least two schools. I want someone to be so amazed at my artwork, that I'll record them saying that my picture is amazing just so that I can hear it. Yes, I'm insecure about my photos.

Why? Because I feel like it's not living up to it's potential. I'm not living up to my potential. And that's partially my fault, that's what you're thinking. But how can I live up to my potential if I can't have feedback past the "I like your pictures, oh they're nice, good job." I want to know what makes a great picture differentiate from an average one.

Yes, I realize I'm being contradicting in this post. I realize that self expression should not be judged because it's in the eyes of the beholder. And yes, I know you all think that my photos are great. Or close to that positive feedback. But why do I have this unsatisfaction in the back of my mind and in the bottom of my stomach? Like I have a voice inside my head whispering that it's not good enough, it never is.

Or maybe my time at home and isolation from the world is finally taking its toll on my mind. The funny part is, if someone does give me some honest feedback, I'll be satisfied. Then later on, after I take to heart what that person said, I'll probably be back on this kind of thinking.

And no, this isn't emo. This is just ranting, trying to vent out because I know that if I don't, I'll end up breaking another hole in my wall.

I have never wanted anything in my life more than being an art student. I cannot live my life without being aknowledged as an art student. I cannot die until I satisfy this demon that continues to tell me that my work is not good enough. I cannot just lie to myself and tell myself that I AM good enough, because I know that there are better photographers out there. And yes, I realize that I am being a bigger bitch than a bitch who's hard to please.

It's like this.

If no one is out there to criticize your work, you'll never know how great you really are.
Beacause without people who's sole purpose is to hate, you can't improve.
If there is no one out there will tell you, you're great, you'll never hear that you are.
Saying it to yourself doesn't count, that's just being egotistical.
If there is no one there that will tell you, you suck, you'll never have the need to prove that you aren't.
Or even recieving such comments that will put you on the path to improvement.
Without that need to improve or to prove someone false, you'll be doing the same shit over and over again.

I want to improve because I want to be an art student. Photography is my passion, a form of self expression. A way for the world to see how I see it's beauty. Your harsh words will not dampen my fire. I yearn to be the best, I want to be the ones other photographers ask for advice. I want to be the photographer that art teachers are proud of teaching. Most of all, I want to be a cotdamn art student.

And I am doing everything in that I can to make that dream a reality.

Birchmount Inspiration.

The most exhilarating experience is when you glance at someone and realize their beauty.
This is my attempt in engraving her beauty in my forgetful mind.
I wont put any effort in explaining her physique, because words cannot flatter her beauty.
I want to engrave the feeling she has made my frozen heart feel.
Sitting across from her, while I was having a conversation with my friend, I secretly wanted to conversate with her instead.
Though my eyes glanced at him, I kept her in my vision.
Dropping hints on how she may reach me, I subtly tell her things about me.
My plans for the future, what I find passion through, everything and anything, except my name.
I even told her how to reach me through a million different ways.
Okay, not exactly a million but close enough.
I explained in full detail my photography website and my blogspot.
I even spelt both of them out for her, hoping she would remember.
But I knew it was a long shot, though my heart pleaded for a miracle.
I'm a big believer in fate, so I'll take the coward's way out.
If we're meant to be, it'll happen.
I knew if I tried to conversate, I would be turned down.
Her eyes stole my breath, a beauty on its own.
Never have I felt like this for a complete stranger.
I pictured what would happen if I tried to spark a conversation.
I would say hi, find a lame reason to talk to her.
Work hard to keep the flow of conversation in motion, hoping to exchange phone numbers in the end.
I was coming up with the plays but my legs were stubborn.
Refusing to move, is that my new self defense that I've taught myself subconscienly?
I gave it some thought.
What if she does reject me, right from the start?
Trying to give myself hope through putting aside these silly notions.
I couldn't help but give it a quick second thought.
Rejection would hurt me after I found the courage to try.
Rejection would shatter my nonexistant confidence turning me into a monster that never shows his face.
Rejection would hurt.
But for a chance like this, and a person like her, I knew I had to try.
But the awkwardness of rejection stopped me again.
I didn't know her desitination, which proved to be mind boggling.
I've caught a case of rejection phobia.
If she did reject me, and her bus stop was the last one, how awkward would it be for me to sit across from her?
She, knowing that rejection has shattered what's left of me, and I knowing that I am not worthy enough to get to know a beautiful person like her.
Then I thought of the perfect way to stimulate and conversate with her and her profound beauty.
I would get up, sit behind her, tap her shoulders.
Smile and look into her eyes, and say the following sentence.
You see, I'm the type of person that got sick of the relationship scene.
And I'll come clean, I've had my heart broken before, thinking to myself that what if I'm not boyfriend material?
You see, I've treated those who broke me apart with respect and unconditional love.
I'm the type of person who will go out of his way to make you smile.
I'm the kind of person who will, honestly, do anything and everything to make your world better.
I'm not saying that you need to make things better, I'm saying that I am that person that you awe to when you watch the Notebook, A Walk to Remember and other movies of that type.
I am that type of person, the ones that keep girls like you awake at night, wondering if such guys like the ones portrayed in romantic movies exists.
But I said before that I got tired of the relationship scene.
But seeing you, I think I gained the hope that I had lost.
See, maybe it's just me, but I feel like we've made a connection.
From the minute I saw you, my heart and my mind gave me signs that I NEED to get to know you.
Maybe I'm crazy, but then again, isn't that what love is?
I'm not saying I love you, hold on there.
I'm saying that I felt something surreal, unexplainable, and you are the cause of it.
And because of it, I'm saying things that I would never dare share with a complete stranger.
Then I'll pause.
Look into her eyes again, hoping to engrave that beauty.
Then I'll take a breath and proceed.
You see, I just want to conversate with a complete stranger, pick at her brain, figure out what makes her tick.
Maybe grow feelings for one another, but let's not get ahead ourselves.
I just want to get to know you, first hand, at this time, even if we don't exchange numbers.
I've been sitting across from you, wondering what the sound of your voice sounds like.
Hold on, that sounded creepy.
Let me rephrase that.
I want to hear your voice to see if it matches the profound beauty that I see in you.
Wait, that still sounds creepy.
Let me try again.
I'd like to hear the gentle sound of your voice for the sake of my curiosity.
Okay, that's better.
Now, I'll shut up right now, hoping that you'll talk back.
Before you say anything, let me finish.
I'm going to get up, sit back in my seat and listen to my music.
If I, by any chance, caught your attention, as you have clearly caught mine, pull the earphone out of my ears, and open up with a hi and your name.
Then I would smile at her, and hopefully she would have an amused look on her face, if not, an intrigued one.
I would get up and sit back in my seat.
That's how I would do it.
I've decided.
I had my mind set.
My mind was ready.

I'm going to act on impulse and figure out why exactly do I feel this unexplainable connection with her.
But then.
She presses the stop request button, signalling that she's reached her destination.
She gets up, and heads for the open door.
Right before she leaves, I realize that she's been listening to music this entire time.
My previous hints have failed.
I feel like I was rejected before I even got a chance to say hi.
But a sigh of relief passed my body, knowing that I'm never going to see her again.
Then, instantly, with that thought, I was enraged.
Foolish me!
How could I have not taken this opportunity.
Clearly she wanted me to start conversation.
We had looked each other eye to eye and it just felt like I had an open chance.
Secretly, I'm hoping that she knows my site, and is reading this at this moment, thinking of a clever way to comment so I would know that it's her and she feels the same way.
But I do not wish to give myself false hope.
But I figure, fate will bring us together once more, if the connection I feel is truly real.
I just hope that I did a good enough job engraving her beauty in my forgetful mind.

I am.

I'm actually feeling sad, but not for what you think. You'd never guess why I'm sad, because, I'd be the only one who'd be sad about such a thing. Because I exceeded my limit. But this made my day.



sandyrodriguez, says (2:58 PM):
well, your pictures are more than good. your pictures are your point of view, its how your seeing it at that moment. wether be good or bad. they're still amazing because its how you see things.


:D Thanks,

Monday, April 13, 2009

I hate it.

I hate it when girls care if guys flirt when they're not even with that man.
I hate it when girls lead on good guys and end up hurting the man, regardless of what he says.
I hate it when girls can't see the things that one person would do for them.
I hate it when girls forget about the good things guys have done for them and only remember the bad ones.
I hate it when good guys go out of their way to make the world perfect for girls.
I guess that makes me a hateful person.
But I'm not.
Because Karma's a bitch.
And She'll get you.
Be on the look out.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Dearest You

Poetry, do you remember...
How I use to run to you when I had the problems on the world upon my shoulder?
How you use to comfort me, no matter when I needed your help?
How I would sometimes lay awake at five in the morning and you would be there to keep me company?

Poetry, do you recall...
How I first met you, in the form of a simple rhyming scheme?
How I use to find it amusing just to hear the end of a sentence rhyme with another?
How I would read the dictionary so I could extend my understanding just for you?

Poetry, have you dismissed from your mind...
How I weaved words and similes and metaphors into something meaningful?
How I looked up to you because your words could always make me feel better?
How I could relate to you, so easily and yet you are still so mysterious?

Poetry, do you recollect...
A time where all I would do was spend countless hours listening to you?
A time where I would fall asleep thinking about what we're going to do the next day?
A time where I compromised everything, just so I could spend another second with you?

Poetry, have I hurt you...
Because you and I were once inseperable, and now, I don't even call you
Because before you were my first thought and my last thought and I'd constantly think about you throughout my day
Because you were once all I could talk about, and now, I don't even dare say your name.

Poetry, do you hold a grudge against me...
Because our relationship is on and off, and sometimes I replace you with someone else?
Because I've hurt you so many times, forgetting about us and focusing on my needs?
Because I made it seem like I don't need you anymore?

Poetry, have you forgotten...
About how I wanted you so bad that I would do anything to be close to you?
About how I would constantly write to you, just to make you smile?
About how I have written countless poems and stories and letters just so you would never forget...

How much I love you.

Poetry, let me inform you...
That I've wanted to call you because your still running through my mind
That I've wanted to write to you but I felt like you did not want to hear from me
That I've written countless letters thinking to myself, it is not perfect enough for you.

Poetry, let me remind you...
That you have pulled me through some of the toughest times of my life.
That throughout all the things we've gone through, you always put me first.
That no matter how much I've neglected you and hurt you, you still love me so.

Poetry, how could I forget?
You're my one and only true love.

Poetry, without your guidance...
I could not have been able to find my passion.
I could not have been able to maintain my sanity when my world broke apart.
I could not have been able to pick myself up without you being at my side.

Poetry, without you...
I am just another fool, thinking about life's meaning
I could not look in the mirror and be proud of who I am
I could not be me.

Poetry, I...
Miss you
Love you
Need you.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Real Talks.

` viiioolaaaa - Its My Addiction . says (11:17 PM):
she does seem kinda immature . she thinks she had you but when you ignore her , she thinks she lost that power . she doesnt want to be alone , she wants ppl to care for her and now that you left , she feels like she has to try harder
.lєzαdα,αngelo; says (11:19 PM):
so how do i react?
` viiioolaaaa - Its My Addiction . says (11:21 PM):
well i only want whats best for you , so i think you shud just leave her alone and not talk to her . she already made a mistake before , and shes tryna go back to you . dont be her trash again

Real talks, that set me straight. It means a lot that our friendship grew so much from the first time meeting you. I'm glad to be your friend :)

One Last Thing...

Third post of the day, wow, a lot on my mind lately. I still have to prove to Marcus that girls do like the poetry/intelligent kind of guys. But i just wanted to rant. The day started off great. Waking up late, eating, zoot, then stc. Pretty dope. But the events at stc made me write this. Besides seeing an old friend, unquitting an old habit, patching things up with that friend, things were good.

Then I saw her. The person who pushed me to the edge of my beliefs and I was lead on by. I am sad to say that I was affected by her, someone younger than I. So i acted like how I always do to someone who puts me through unnecessary things. Cold and heartless. Maybe some of you might be saying, "Angelo? Cold? Heartless? Ducktales!" Let me explain in the words of John. "Dawg, why you ignoring her? She's been staring at you. Seemed like she wanted to say hi or something. And you only said bye to estoesta, SHE said ouch." Did I do it purposely? No, I was aware, but it's more subconsciously. Will she bitch at people about it? Maybe, or maybe she won't and she'll just not care. A part of me will be happy if she still likes me but a big part of me knows that assuming things will make me overthink and that's what I'm preventing by ignoring your signals or whatever cotdamn thing it is you're thinking. But my action is what I do automatically to girls who lead me on and placed me through unnecessary shit. I am different and I'll be man enough to say that you telling me we never had anything, your dating some next man, did hurt me and obviously, my nonexistant ego. What do you want me to do? Fight for you? Convince you? Persuade you? No, you know me already, you know how I am. If you fail to see how much better I could be for you, then suit yourself. It's your loss. It's possible that I'm not one hundred percent over you, but what can I do? Win you over? No, I'm not going to use my time trying to prove a point that everyone can clearly see. But like you said, I don't make you happy, but I did and I still could. I'm not even one hundred percent sure that you miss me, if I come across your mind. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I'm not going to assume shit. Whatever your reason to stare at me and talk about how sexy some next man at the mall is, you're not going to get a reaction from me, if that is your intention. I don't get jealous over stupid things. I don't want to ignore you, but I can't help it. How can I talk to someone that made me belief in relationships again only to prove that my previous notions about them were correct. Maybe it's after effects of the zoot but I'll admit one more thing to you. I do want you, as much as John wants... But I'm not going to try to speed up the process. If it happens, it'll happen. I have faith in the universe more than I do in myself. I hate thinking about this, I hate wanting you, I hate that I think of you now and again because I'm hoping for somethign that may never be. I'm foolishly not trying to get over you, hoping that some random act will happen. I'm stupid to even hope that we could be together. So there, that's everything that I was thinking of when you were staring at me. That's why I was so cotdamn quiet when you came. That's why I didn't talk to you, that's why I didn't say bye, and that's why I'm still hoping that we're going to end up together in the future. So what now? I don't know but I do know something. I do miss what we never had.

Reality's Kicking In.

So, seeing as my other post wasn't too too serious, wasn't too intelligible either. I'll add one serious one, for you to think about.

Through all the relationships that I've fucked up, that I gave up on, that I screwed with, I always think about you, or rather us. What use to be us. I'll be man enough to admit that I think about you here and there, like random flashbacks of the good times. And maybe because a certain date is coming up soon. Maybe because this is the month where it all started. I'm starting to forget my other relationships but why is the time spent with you still fresh? Like it happened less than half a year ago. I never thought I was capable of being committed, being held down for something that long. Especially since the ones before ours was one week to two months. I did break my record, I suppose. Again, like I've said many times before, I know we could've lasted at least a year. I never thought someone could stick it out with me for that long. I'll admit that it coming to an end was saddening, but I can see how much I've put you through, and at that point, I knew it was more hurt than help. Relationships too needs a balance. The drama you bring to the person has to be less than the happiness they feel when they're around you. And I guess that day just tipped the balance. I'm not even sure if we're friends anymore, but I do miss making fun of you and all that stuff. Though I am getting use to the thought of you not being here anymore, at the same time, I feel like I can't let it go. After all, you did put up with me for seven months, and vice versa. We stuck it out through the growing arguements and the other million stupid things. You said that there was nothing wrong with me and it's all you, but that line is always filled with lies. Because I, like any other man who does have a caring side, would've accepted any flaws that you have, and I did. If anything I was mad at the fact that you gave up on us. I was angry at the fact that you gave your ex, who fucked things up with you and your family, over a dozen chances and I don't even get a second one. But what happened, happened. You know, I never believe in talking to an ex after a break up. I always find it awkward. Yet right now, over the past few weeks, I've been missing your guidance more and more. The guidance that you gave me to get through life and to get me motivated. I am motivated now. More than ever, I'm actually looking forwad to my future. And I have you to thank for that. Thanks. I guess if we're meant to be, then it'll happen. If not, if not. But I'm not holding out on us getting together. Because I'm satisfied with being single. For once in my life, I couldn't care less if another girl ever said I love you to me. This is going to be cheesy, but I'm proud to know that you loved me once. Just because you're not the type of girl to say I love you when you don't mean it. I'm happy to know that you trust me enough to have been the only guy that you ever opened up with to that extent. I sometimes think that this was the best. Your family WAS the one saying that we're starting to look like we're married. Okay, I guess I'll end this now. One more thing though, I miss you but I don't want you back. It's just that simple, why? Because I thought that was the closest thing to love I'll ever feel. See you around.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I feel soooo nice right now.

Sadly, I am not home, so nobody look at my irisvirus page. I finished the banner for it but it's not worthy of amazingness. Speaking of amazingness, I feel so nice right now. I'm thinking to myself if I'll remember posting this tomorrow at dawn. The computer screen was breathing. But I think it died. It's not breathing anymore. John wants to call someone because I'm the only one in a higher state of mind. John said I'm crazy. But my cellphone has a lock code, so he can't call whoever is awake right now. Clearly, readers, this is just a random three in the morning type of post. I was hoping to stay in a higher state of mind but it seems like it comes and it goes. Or maybe I am in a higher state of mind though I am not fully aware, or choose to phase it out. I feel at peace, for the first time in the longest time. John just left a voicemail for our friend though I think it was stupid of him. I don't think our friend listens to her voicemail. He claims that he does. Oh, apparently it was our friend was of the opposite gender. So the previous sentece should read He claims that she does, instead I wrote He claims that he does, but I didn't feel the need to backspace. So instead, I wasted three senteces explaining it to you. No wait. Five. Seven. Nine. Nine sentences and this being the tenth one. Well John has reached that higher state of mind too. Let's hope it lasts. Okay, I think I'll stop typing now, because I think only Marcus will be reading this journal of our adventure. Let's get something clear, this is the effect of being tired, typing at God knows what time. Not of any other thing. Because to me, it sounded like I am not thinking properly. I'm sure this makes no sense. Oh well. Okay, what was I saying? Oh crap. The computer is typing out every single thought. Oh, John says we have to go. John says we'll feel more comfortable in his room. Yikes, help?

Until next time!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Damn you, A.D.D.

I had a brilliant idea that I was going to transform into beautiful poetry, but my lack of an attention span had made me forget. So instead, I will just list three things that are my current goals.

  • Collab photoshoot, anyone? ;)
  • Find my damn couple model and paparazzi their asses.
  • Get back my damn 150 average in bowling, frig, I'm at 135 right now.

Well, I suppose I'm just updating you folks.

Until next time!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Flashback PT I

As most of you know, I love to write. I have a tonne of stories. I think it's high time for those stories to get some limelight. I wrote this a couple months back, never showed to anyone, but here you go! For your reading pleasure! Enjoy :)

The day started out as any other. My mom was quietly crying while she cleaned up the broken plates. My dad was reading the news with a stern look on his face. Our family was never like this. It all happened when my younger brother passed away six months ago. We all dealt with the situation differently. My mom became frail and lost the joy in her eyes. My dad became cold and bitter, started relying on alcohol a lot. I, on the other hand, took everything calmly, not for my sake but for the sake of my parents. Just pretended nothing was wrong and kept on going about with life.

It was six months ago, my brother was shot in the streets. When they caught the murderer, he said that he shot him because he thought he was gay. I wanted to tear his head off when he pleaded guilty. My brother was in fact gay; he didn’t openly admit in fear of discrimination but he trusted me enough to share his secret with me. It came to a shock to the whole city. My brother was dubbed the first discriminatory homicide of the city ever although my parents insisted that their son was not gay.

That night, I overheard the cops knocking at our door. I knew it was the cops from the red and blue headlights flashing through my window. I was supposed to be asleep but I was working late typing up an essay I had to submit the next day. Incidentally, I was reading up on news through the internet. The headline read “First Homicide in the History of our City.” My parents were fast asleep when the doorbell went off. My stomach dropped and I feared the worst. My eyes started to tear when my parents got up and disarmed the alarm. I loved my brother with all my heart, regardless of his sexuality. He was looking forward in entering high school. It’s already been six months, and things had gotten worse. I fear that things will not get any better soon.

“Catherine!” Along with my dad’s new attitude, he didn’t express love as much as he used to. He was a new man. “You dropped another plate? God damn it! That’s the fifth one this week! We’re running out of plates!” My mother just sobbed quietly and whispered a sorry through her tears. I ignored both of them and ran towards the door. I hated dealing with my parents. I didn’t want to confront them. They think they’re the one taking things calmly and I’m the one who had problems dealing with the issue.
“Jane!” Damn, my father caught me running out the door. “Where the hell are you going?”
“I’m going to my friend’s house.” I bit my lip as I told him another lie. I’ve learned to despise him in the six months that passed by. He’s always complaining and yet he’s never shown a single emotion for his lost son, like he never had one.
“What for?” I replied with another lie. I told him that I was heading over to Chris’ house to study for an exam. It wasn’t that much of a lie, it was partially truthful. I was going to a friend’s house, and I did have a university entrance exam coming up. What they didn’t know is that Chris’ full name was Christopher. I see it as my parent’s fault for assuming that he was a she. Chris’ house was only a drive away and it didn’t take long for us to start our usual activity. I needed a way to release stress and Chris had always been my best friend. He wasn’t really the friend that any parents would approve. He was a rebel to the bone. A high school drop-out that became your average thug. He helped me through the hard time that I went through. No one else but him understood me because he went through the exact same thing with his twin brother. We would always finish our meeting with a cigarette. I had become addicted to our routine. We didn’t let our routine affect our friendship. We were still friends, the best even. The way I saw it, we were helping each other. I was helping feed his needs and he was helping me release stress. After our “study” session, I headed back home.

“It’s your fault!” I came home to hear my dad screaming at my mom. “Catherine, you always told him that the world is beautiful and that good people are taken care of by God. Where’s your God now?! He didn’t save him did he!? Did he!?” I opened the door and saw my dad holding my mom’s wrist. My mom’s cheek was red, and when she saw me open the door, she tried covering it. I reacted quickly, pushing my dad off of her. He fell and broke our coffee table.
“What the hell are you doing? That’s your wife! Why did you hit her?” I couldn’t help but scream at him. How does one react after seeing one’s mom struck? My mom tried to defend him but I couldn’t take it anymore. We started swearing at each other and blaming that our beloved family member died because of something the other did. My dad said that I was pampering him too much and my mom was too protective. I yelled something along the lines of how he was never there for him so it was his fault that his never acted boyish. I revealed the secret my brother had brought to his grave and my parents were in shock. At this point, my mom did not hide her tears, and my dad started crying too. In my eighteen years, I have never once seen my father cry.

“The only reason you’re around is because your mother and I couldn’t afford an abortion.” My father retaliated, and I couldn’t move. I didn’t know how to react. I grabbed my keys and headed to Chris’ house with hate and rage in my mind.

I drove to Chris’ but he wasn’t home. He usually worked night shifts at whatever odd jobs his skills would be useful for. I know my parents wouldn’t report me missing. After telling them that their beloved son was gay must’ve hurt their ego. When I arrived at Chris’, I found his hidden key. He left for me if I ever needed to run away. I had told him that one day I would run away from my breaking family. That conversation a month ago proved to be useful. When I woke up in the morning, I showered and changed clothes. I had more than enough clothes at his place from previous study sessions. His place was practically my second home. Right now, it was home. My car was parked at his driveway, so he’ll probably find out that I did spend the night over. I decided to make him breakfast, as he often complained that he always comes home to an empty house.

I heard a car pull into the driveway. I placed the eggs and bacon onto a serving plate and smiled at the door, waiting for him to come through. He opened the door and when he saw me, his smile made me forget everything. Closing the door behind him, he walked up to me and kissed me good morning. He dropped his stuff and placed the morning newspaper on the table.

“You have no idea how happy I am to see you here.” He was more than happy to see me as he hugged me and he held me tight. In the months we were using one another, he had never held me like that. I felt like I had a family again. “I love you, I always have. I will always take care of you.” Those words were surprising but it felt good to hear them from someone who meant it. I replied with a similar statement. I heard him holding back tears and I wondered what could’ve made someone like Chris cry. I looked at the paper he brought in. Tears started flowing from my eyes. The headline read, “Mother Joins Gay Son in Death, Daughter missing.”

New Banner & Matthew's Journal Cntd.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I present to you, the new banner of my site. I hope you all like it, as I spent countless hours trying to make it as awesome as it could possibly be. I know, I know, the banner for http://irisvirus.blogspot.com hasn't changed in the longest time. I'm working on it, I just need to take more photos. And I'll probably do that tonight or tomorrow morning. Anyways, to celebrate the awesomeness of the new banner, I present to you, the next pages of Matthew's Journal, which I also spent working on last night. Enjoy!

Btw, in case you saw the one previous to it, superEGOtron didn't like the middle finger in my previous banner. So, to his liking, I changed it to something more appropriate.

---
Previously on Matthew's Journals...

Theo came to me with the best news that I’ve ever heard. He had just bought his own place, in the suburbs of town and that he wanted me to be his adopted son. I was ecstatic. I had no ties to cut with the orphanage, except for a girl who seemed to have grown fond of me. I asked Theo could also adopt her, seeing as she was the only one who wasn’t slightly afraid of me. Theo agreed and from then on, I thought us three would be a happy family...

The Continuation of Matthew's Journals...


I was ever so wrong. Theo had bought a house in the suburbs, back before it had become what it is now. Before, it was the neighbourhood that everyone wanted to live in. Hardly any trouble comes from there. As the years progressed, the economy started to fail. I didn’t really pay much attention to that because I was living the happiest times of my life. Living with Theo and Erin. They became my family although Theo would always tease that Erin and I would fall in love, though she was older than me by two years. Although we were technically Theo’s children, he treated us as equals. Besides the fact that I thought of Theo as my father, I never saw Erin as my sister. I still saw her as the girl who seemed a bit too interested in what I was thinking. It wasn’t until my sixteenth birthday till I realized that we may be more than just friends. Theo had gone out to pick up my present, although he used the same excuse as every year that he had to get the car tuned. Erin and I were watching some sort of horror movie and Erin despised movies that included suspense or blood and gore. But since it was birthday, she allowed it to slide. She and I were sitting quite close, when the scary parts came up, she would tighten her grip on my arm and hand and would shut her eyes. I would just laugh at her and she would punch me right in the arm. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but somehow, we ended up kissing one another. Three years ago may not seem much, but when you’re taking life one day at a time, you forget a lot of things. When we heard the car pulling up, Erin pushed me off and ran to the washroom. Her hair was dismayed from our interaction period. After that, we became more and more expressive, behind the back of the public and Theo, of course. After all, according to the city, we were brothers and sister. We decided that this was love and how can it not be? We’ve known each other for a long time, I can’t stop thinking about her. Even now, as I continue to write on, I miss her. We knew we were in love, we felt we were in love. I could never imagine, at that time, how I would live without her. Theo knew it, he had caught us doing the deed more than enough times. But he would never tell it to us, I guess he was considerate. After all, he was the one teasing about it back then. Life went on happily, until Theo passed away.

Theo passed away a couple of months after my sixteenth birthday. Erin was explaining to me how she was accepted to a school overseas. She was undecided but she was eager to bring the news to Theo. Then we heard the phone ring, it was from the hospital. Theo was driving when the heart attack hit him. Luckily, this all happened during rush hour. Theo’s death proved to be the deciding force to her choice. She felt that after the following events, she did not want to stick around to remember Theo. The funeral service only included Erin, myself and Theo’s lawyer. Theo was the last person of his actual family and never got married, though he loved kids. I tried not to shed tears in that moment, but Erin couldn’t help it. As they buried Theo’s casket, Theo’s lawyer began to explain why he was present. Theo had apparently been saving up for his entire life, and had passed down everything he owned to me and Erin. From his house, to the car he drove to money in his banks and the password to a safety box that he owned. The only requirement was that before we could claim ownership, we had to go retrieve the safety box. We did as Theo had wished and we were surprised by content of his safety box. Theo had written a letter for us to read. Actually, here, I’ll tape the actual letter here, so I know I won’t lose it.

Dearest Matthew and Erin,

If you are reading this, then I have passed away. I am deeply sorry that this event had to happen. The doctors have warned me that I might be hit by a heart attack but I did not want to worry you. You two are so happy, compared to your lives at the orphanage. But I won’t reminisce about the past. This letter reaching you means that you know that everything I own is now yours, as how it has always been. I’m not sure what you will do with the house, sell it if you’d like, but I have saved enough money for both of you to go through university here. Assuming that Matthew gets accepted. Matthew, you’re a smart person with a passion that I barely see in teenagers your age, don’t waste your life. Erin, I have no doubt that you’ll be accepted wherever you choose to apply. I’m sorry that I will not be there to see you both graduate. I know you are in love with one another, but build your future first, before thinking about anything. You both know that I am fully aware of what happens in my house, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know what love feels like, I held love in my hands before. I had never told you, but my wife passed away in a fire. Do not mourn for me, for I am going to be reunited with my love, with your mother. Here I go again, rambling on. Along with this letter, I’m sure you’ve found the other articles that were in it. A ring that use to belong to my wife, it was recovered in the fire. A necklace that has been passed down for generations. I pass it onto you, Matthew. And along with those objects, there lies a piece of paper, in full detail, how much money I’ve saved up for you both, my bank card and its password. I hope you will make use of this gift that I have given you both, and I know you’ll both do me proud.

Love,
Theo



There we go, now I know I’ll never lose the last thing Theo had given me. Like I mentioned before, I’m nineteen now. Erin is twenty-one. You’re now pretty much caught up to where I am, minus insignificant pieces here and there. But I’ll tell you one thing though, I proposed to Erin right before she left overseas, with the same ring that Theo gave his wife. We got married when she turned eighteen, then left to continue her studies overseas. Being in the suburbs reminded her too much of Theo. I had to give up my own education for her to be able to pay for the tuition fee and travel expenses, but it was a sacrifice that I was more than willing to take. Erin insisted on splitting Theo’s money fifty-fifty, but I convinced her that she needed most of it, she was the one who was going to live in a foreign country. I managed to barter her to keep ninety-eight percent of what Theo had left. You might be thinking how two percent had managed to keep me alive for three years. Let’s just say that that two percent is not even close to diminishing. Of course, I had to keep adding to that two percent to make sure it never disappears forever. I receive letters from her every two months. She’s become a brilliant scientist, and is working on a cure for heart attacks and all that jazz. Sometimes I would see her name in the newspaper. I guess you’re caught up now, reader. Christmas is coming to an end, I suppose I should get some sleep. I think you should put this journal down and go do something else. You can’t emerge yourself in my story, after all, I don’t think it’ll get any more interesting. Well, Merry Christmas to you and I, and you can thank Erin for giving me this book to write on. Goodnight.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Sunny Days & Rainy Afternoons

I have two weeks left.
So this is my to do list.
Upcoming Projects.


  • Photoshoot - I still need to find my couple models!
  • Written Projects - Matthew's Journal, One Night & Socializing with Strangers.

It may not seem like a lot, but that's certainly a lot of hard work and a lot of time that needs to be invested.

I just thought I'd let you guys know :

Oh, and seeing as Marcus had superEGOtron and John had Snucks, I decided to think of one for myself. And I came up with... sinematic. It actually has more meaning to it than you think. More on that later.

Until next time!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Mission Accomplished!

I finally finished editting my pictures. But I did have to cut down the list to seven pictures.
Only because I think I'm close to hitting the limit for my photo limit on flickr. But I have finished editting and they are uploading as we speak. Let's just hope that my internet doesn't die on me now. We can only hope. :)

Note to self;

Finish editting pictures.
Upload pictures onto flickr page.
Continue Matthew's Journal.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Officially Dropped.

Check out Marcus' first single! http://superegotistic.blogspot.com/2009/04/finite.html

-
Officials.

0920 - I suppose you're my first "official" girlfriend. Longest time I've ever waited for an answer. Two months. That was, worth it, in a way. Taught me that patience does pay off. Taught me that love is something fragile. Taught me that no girl is worth wasting away your time. Taught me that change is the only thing constant. We lasted four months, not including the two months we spent checking. That's the longest I've ever spent waiting for anything. I should thank you though. You showed me the ropes of my own sanity, what I like in a relationship. I never did get a closure with you, but that's fine.

0428 - Seven months. On the day of our break up, I find out that you're dating another dude that lasts three months. . Don't I just have the worst luck with serious relationships? I honestly thought we'd last at least a year. Speaking of which, it's in a couple of weeks. Guess what though? I told you things would get better. I hated it how when my world was falling apart, that's when you decide to leave me. The one week I spent wishing things ended up differently got me rethinking my whole life. To be honest, you pushed me to the edge of depression. Not because you left me but because you left at the worst time possible. I got over it, because like you said, I don't need you. I don't need anything but family. So I thank you for making me realize that. Thank you also for making me realize my passion and the person that I can be if I tried. Thanks for the experience and I hope I didn't waste your time, as you didn't waste mine.

0203 - I'm terribly sorry. For what happened. I truly am. It wasn't your fault. I let infatuation take over everything. And I regret doing it. It wasn't worth hurting you. I apologize, though we broke up because you thought that we weren't that interested, I lied. I still like you, but I'll never tell you that. Though I know we both want to get back together, I'm not going to risk hurting you again. Hearing you say that I hurt you just made my heart drop. And this is probably the last sentimental thing I'll ever say in my life, because I'm putting all of this behind me. We could've worked out, we should've worked out. But thank you for putting me first. Thank you for listening to me rant that night. Thank you for being understanding and loving. I wish you luck in your future, and I know that karma will be on your side. I miss you. But we'll never end up together again, I can almost guarantee that.

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Unofficials

To you all, it's not that I forgot who you are. I remember you all, by face. By name? Most likely not. Especially those who were never official. Why? Because you wasted my time, you gave me hope. You made me think that there was hope with us dating, only to tell me that you're going back to your ex, you don't want to date. Making me feel like a fool. Making me seem like a rebound person who never ends up with you. Making me an object that you USED to motivate yourself to move on. The only positive is that you helped me become someone better. You helped me realize that I deserve better and that I did. I hope you realize that you lost the best thing that could've happened to you.

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To all who can consider themselves my ex-girlfriend.
I know you all miss me. Most of you have told me one way or another. In a way, you've helped me become who I am. So thank you, for the memories, great and bad. I wish you all the best and see you around.

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I'm keeping my life like this. Enjoying life, without the requirement to take care of someone. Single life forreal, right Snucks?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Experience.

Hello reader(s),

I have not been updating on this site with anything creative, by far. Besides Matthew's Journal, I have not written my daily dosage of poetry/random pieces of english that just happen to rhyme. I have a legit reason! I have been working on my picture pieces and have been taking millions of pictures. I kid you not, I think I'm almost at the thousand milestone. Regardless, I felt the need to update you. As you know, superEGOtron, Snucks and I have our own production line, under the name of Egotistic Productions. I am here to introduce to you guys, the upcoming projects of this my fam. We have a song coming out, and superEGOtron is going to release his first single. Look forward to that folks. I am working on my unfinished stories, including Matthew's Journal in hopes to finish them. I finally am back in school, starting in April 20th. I look forward to finishing my education. I am also in the process of editting my pictures. So also look forward in me unvieling my work. I promise it's worth the wait. As you should know, I cannot, in my right mind, unviel my pictures without knowing in my heart that it is the best it could possibly be. I suppose that is it for now. And though my work may be noob or pro through your eyes, it's my passion, it's how I express myself and it's my love. Photography and writing has done so much for me, how can I not love them? Anyways, I won't get too serious. Keep on the lookout for Egotistic Productions starting up soon, and for superEGOtron's mixtape! Keep breathing, keep expressing, keep living!

Until next time.