Pour out Myself Onto the World

So I'm sitting here, in front of my computer screen. Then i get this fantastic idea, hey, why not check out my illicit desire website? ahha funny thing too. the name of the whole site. illicit desire. illicit means forbidden or unlawful or a secret. desire obviously means somethign you want. something you crave. something that you strongly wish for or want. back then, i had a lot of illicit desire. i craved so many things at one point in my life. I craved to smoke, i craved to fight, i craved to flirt, i craved to steal. everything you can possibly think of. but i put all that behind me. or so i thought. lately, things have been rough for my mind. in a sense that ive begun that state where i think too much. i hate thinking. i really do. i hate writing. i hate being a person of words. i hate this. im sad to say that sometimes i feel like i hate myself. Right now, i'm just spilling whats on my mind for the past week. I've been frustrated. This whole week. and i've been holding in the urge to punch somethign. Why? Cuz i promised you. So much, that i think im going to snap any minute now. at the first person who gets on my nerve. Never happened before. But i guess there is a first time for everythign. Honestly, i hate being like this. I feel so not me. I feel angry, hateful, frustrated and confused. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. and for no particular reason. someone once said, habits are okay, once in a while. sometimes, it helps you get away from things. maybe thats why. i havnt gotten out of reality. i remember i would always daydream, i would always feel like i'm not bound to this earth. that i feel so heavenly that i feel like i can sincerly talk to God. its quite funny actually. Sometimes, i feel like He is guiding me. But enough about that.
Actually, enough about me. i talk too much about myself. What about you reader? Are you happy with how you are ? Why am i even asking you? Not like you're going to respond. I think im in dire need of a vacation from my surrounding. Or maybe i just need to pick up my little lighter and find one of those thigns. Or not. I can fight this. But where will that lead me?
Who knows. What the fuck am i even talking about ?
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its funny that i claim to be a man of words. yet i cant explain this feeling iin me. this endless frustration over nothing. and because i cant know why im frustrated. i obviously get more frustrated. why are you still reading ? this is just nonsense.
I can't find my smile.
It's been gone for a while
I lost it. Can you help me find it?
I lost my eyes, i've gone blind
Can you help me, if you dont mind?
I lost my senses, I'm useless
I'm emotionless, i'm worthless
I've lost it, I've lost myself
Can't you see i'm asking for help?
I just can't seem to find what i seek
Why am i feeling useless and weak?
I've lost all these things, how do i stand?
If i'm just a thought waiting in your hands?

To be honest, i have no idea what's going on with myself. I think i lost myself in my thinking. And i can't get out. I just keep thinking and thinking but it wont come out. its like i've become dumb. i hear them talking but i cant reply. its like i lost my voice. i honestly dont know. how is the world gonna put up with me being like this again? maybe i should just isolate myself until it passes. or avoid people. sounds emo don't it? But hey, no one wants to talk to a person who doesnt wanna talk. People get mad when people are like this. being stupid and whatnot. but for me, thinking stupidly, being emo like this, its like a girl's pms. it happens often. and this is why i hate myself.