I'm hungry.

Well, my parents have agreed to get me a Canon Rebel IF I just keep a straight attendance at school. And I found out that my dad is like me more than physical attributes. He went through the same thing I did and it's nice to know that.

On another note, I can't wait to get that camera.
NTS-

Build portfolio
Clean room
Finish story

Third Post of the Day, WTFUDGE

So clearly I have a lot on my mind, since this is the third post of the day. What's on the top of my mind is that I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm content with who I am. Which is obviously a good thing. But on the other hand, looking at my future, I'm still confused. I want to be a photographer but school isn't helping with that. Especially with the school I'm going to. Who knows. Anyways, my mind is too boggled up to type up, so I guess I'll end this short. Getting up to go to school that doesn't help me with my future is stupid. Needing a piece of paper to tell me that I'm smart and capable of having a job. I hate it how we need a high school diploma and a university degree to be able to survive. I hate it. I hate how my parents tell me to just keep going to school regardless of what I say. I tell them my opinion but they end it off as "You just have to, don't question it. That's how life is." That's so bullshit. You don't answer a question with "Just because." I hate it.

Yes, I realize I sounded hateful

Just voicing my opinion.

Out of My Life

Listenin to an instrumental, and just started writing

I let myself fall into a lie
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile into a lie
I let my walls come down
No matter how I try I dont know why
You are so far away
I don't know why
You're just so far away

I'm Mr Nice guy, or I use to be
Now I try not to act so stupidly
Furiously, I let my anger out
And as these words come out my mouth

I doubt that I'll ever be the same
And I'm wondering now who's to blame
My feelings came, and lied to me
Claming that this will all end happily

I'm mad at me, but not at you
But you're the one who tore me in two
I'm mad at me, cuz I fell for you
And I thought that my feelings were actually true

I'm Mr Nice guy, well not anymore
Cuz he's dead now, lying on the floor
I shot him, too many times
Now he'll never lie to my mind

I let myself fall into a lie
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile into a lie
I let my walls come down
No matter how I try I dont know why
You are so far away
I don't know why
You're just so far away

So who am I now? If I'm not nice
Wanna be my friend? Better think twice
I'm not nice, at least not anymore
And if you think I am, walk out that door

Cuz I'll prove you wrong if you ever say I am
And I'm not doing so just because I can
I don't want to be nice ever again
Like how I never want to fall in love again

And again I'm here, hurting too much
Hating the fact that I love you too much
To make it worse, I'm fine with all this
Shouldn't I hate you for what you did?

God forbid, I ever see you once more
Cuz I think I'll act like how I did before
You took my heart, I don't want it back
Cuz I'm through with emotions and all of that

Can't Find My iPod!

Here we go.
So much for blasting music and pretending the world doesn't exist.
Thank God for mp3 phones.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGECAKES

I just wanted to rant. So i went here.

Last night, my insomnia was taken to a whole nother level. I got no sleep whatsoever besides a two hour nap from five AM to seven AM. So I spent the whole day going about with my life. Then at four PM, i decided to get some sleep, since my body was clearly telling me that I was tired as hell. So I did. I just woke up, it is currently 12:35AM. There goes my sleeping habit.

And on another note, I'm meeting up with someone today which I'm not entirely looking forward to. I do want my stuff back, might as well get it over with. Then that way, I never have to encorporate myself with that person. NTS: Finish that damn memory box.

Kaythxbai.

Friends are Everything

rla in the sky with diamonds in her eyes says (12:39 AM):
i hate how life moves so fast and u lose people who once ment the whole world to you.
but u just have to let them go because life's taking them away when ur human, u lose and u gain but why cant we just keep everything ?
i mean like i wanna be with those i love, or once loved, i wanna always be there for everyone. but its hard, because when life moves on, u move on too. time never waits for u. and if i were a tree..once i put my roots down, and i get settled down. ill never move, that's for sure. but then again, ill never be seperated from anyone. which makes everything okay.. cos then, ill know everyone still has my back through anything. yknow what i mean ?


truth.

thanks for holding me down b.

Hate Me.

We can act like things are back
To how they were, if you prefer
But it'll lack the right facts
And the same things might occur

---

I hate you now, that's the bottom line
Cuz you're perfect, I'm acting like I'm fine
And this time, I won't make the same mistakes
I won't love anyone to the point that logic breaks

For my sake, I'll take a few days off
I'm feeling sick, my brain already took off
Ever since that day, I've never been the same
Makes me wonder if this was your real aim

I'd quit but I can't cuz I'm in too deep
Now it's even haunting me in my fucking sleep
So keep your fucking pity to your fucking self
Cuz God knows you're not the type to even help

Yes, this is about you, the fuck you expect?
I gave you everything and you just said next
Like I'm auditioning for a reality show
Makes me think that I lost you years ago

And now I'm killing myself like I'm at fault
But we both know that's not the case at all
Cuz I tried my best to give you the very best
And when I'm going through shit, you think of me less

I apologize that I'm not as heartless as you
But thanks to you, I've learned that I'm more heartless than you!
Cuz now, I can't even care for anyone anymore
I guess all my emotional shit walked out the door

I still got friends, thank God for them
But no one can help me solve my problem
Only time will tell if I ever get better
I guess I'll stop this pointless letter

Thanks a lot, for opening my eyes
To see that the whole world is full of lies
And I just add on to that pile of deciet
I guess this is what you call bittersweet

Waking Up.

My alarm clock woke me one gloomy day. I glanced up at what woke me. 1:11AM. Why on earth would my alarm clock be set to ring at such a ridiculous hour? I got up and pain jolted up and down my body in an instant. I was immidiately reminded of my recent near-death experience. The doctor did mention that I shouldn't move around too much, my newly stitched injuries will prove to be quite the obstacle. I can still remember the accident like it was hours ago although it is quite fuzzy. The doctor said the accident may have affected my memory. Recalling it made my mind numb, it made my mind ache, like I was not allowed to remember.

It was a red light, and I was looking for my CD in the glove department. A car rear ends me from behind and hits me hard enough to move me to the middle of the road. Then the next couple of seconds seemed to move in a slow motion. As my car drifted on to the flow of traffic, a car collided with me. The other car was unable to react quickly enough; I doubt any human reaction could've reacted quickly enough, especially because the speed limit around here is eighty. I remember seeing blood all over. I could feel glass shards on my left side. I kept on glancing on my right side as if someone was there. The car hit me hard enough that I was facing the flow of traffic. I was worried, but not for myself. I could feel my door squeezing onto my flesh. I couldn't get out of my seat, let alone move. Next thing I know, I'm being pulled out of the car with the help of the Jaws of Life. I kept on screaming about something. I can't recall. I must've passed out because I woke up in a hospital.

My phone started to ring, the caller ID was familiar but I couldn't figure out who she was.

"Hello?"
"Are you awake?"
"It's kind of hard to ignore the alarm clock."
"As long as I didn't wake you."
"Do we always talk at this hour?"
"Michael, what're you talking about?"
"I'm sorry, I can't remember. The doctor said my memory could be damaged, I apologize."
"Don't be. I'm April, do you remember?"
"I recognize your voice. It's calming."
"I'm glad you still think so."
"Why did my alarm clock ring?"
"Because you never hear your cell phone. You're the one who came up with the idea to set it at this hour, so that you'll never miss my call."
"Isn't that awfully sweet of me?"
"I'm glad you didn't lose your self-esteem. How are you feeling?"
"Besides from not remembering, I'm okay. Where am I? Am I at home?"
"Yeah, you're living on your own, if you don't recall. But the doctor said not to get up, I'll visit you later on today. Get some rest, okay?"
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea."
"Goodnight, love. I love you."
I didn't know how to reply. It was silence then the dial tone. I felt somewhat sympathetic that I couldn't even remember her to say those words to her. I'm assuming she's my girlfriend, maybe. I still can't recall.

A couple of days passed on, I still can't recall a single event of my life prior to the accident. My memory kept on focusing on what happened right before to that. I was in a restaurant, eating. I remember feeling angry about something. I felt like I was arguing with someone, maybe it's with April. She's been hanging around me a lot lately. But every day she's here, I feel like I'm hurting her more and more. My memory isn't getting any better and she's not getting any closer to me. If anything, if she was my girlfriend, I feel like I'm drifting farther and farther away from her. The more time she spends here, the more time I seem to not realize that I love her, if I ever did. It made me feel sympathetic towards her and I just wanted her to move on. I could not bear to be the cause of her sadness. She was adorable but I felt nothing but mutual feelings towards her. She didn't exist in my memory except the memories we are making now. Maybe if I keep this to myself, I'll eventually learn to love her and then, none of this will matter. She would talk on and on about what we use to do. But all it did was remind me that I am not able to remember anything farther than a couple of days back. What can I do? I can't even remember my age. She insists that I'm seventeen but I didn't feel like it. I'm in complete disarray of what to make of the events that are happening. Time seems to pass by too quickly except for the hours that I spent with her.

Days merged into weeks and I am still dumbfounded of everything. The world seemed to matter less and less to me. My injuries have kept me locked in my room. April's been more than helpful. She's been keeping me company this past week. If she was not around, I was in too weak of a condition to go down the stairs. It makes me wonder how I got up here in the first place. My memory was not getting any better. I felt like an old man, who could not even remember if he bathe himself or not. She's been taking care of me, sort of like my guardian angel. I would always wake up at 1:11AM and talk to her for five minutes. Then I would sleep some more. If she was not going to stay for long, she would help me down the stairs and give me my notebook. I've read some of my previous entries, it seemed like I was quite the writer prior to the accident. But what I wrote now seemed childish compared to what I wrote before. It frustrated me. I would spend the whole day just reading on what I wrote, hoping that reading my previous entries will trigger something in my mind and it'll dispell this amnesia. There was no doubt in my mind that April had been my girlfriend for a while. My notebook had her name all over it, even some entries from her. It brought a smile to my face because with her around, I felt like my life had purpose.

It's been almost a month since the accident. I lay in my bed awake. I checked my clock which was armed to set off at 1:11AM as it did everyday. It was two minutes to midnight, yet I seemed to not want to fall asleep. I've been lying on my bed for almost two hours and I was still wide awake. I looked at my clock again, one minute to midnight. I decided to stare at it until it would turn to midnight. Time always seemed to slow down when you're waiting for something. Soon the 11:59PM transformed into 12:00AM. I picked up my phone and called the only number that was on it.

"Hello?"
"You called." She seemed to be ecstatic.
"Yeah."
"Do you know why?" She questioned my motive. I searched my mind for an answer but I came up with nothing.
"Not really."
"Happy two years love."

"Two... years?" My mind started to ache. The room started to spin, I dropped the phone. I could hear her through the phone, asking if I was okay. I started screaming in pain and I could notice her voice worrying. I was in pain, but why? It was unbearable, I felt like someone was ripping me with their bare hands. I clutched my heart and my other hand was pulling at my hair. My eyes began to tear. I could still hear her voice over the phone. Who was she? I seemed to be forgetting everything that had happened. This whole month started flashing before my eyes. As they flashed through my mind, they seemed to disappear, as if they were nothing but memories. Her voice was getting softer and softer. I let go of my hair and grabbed my phone. I stopped my sobbering and listened for a noise to erupt from it.

"This number is not registered. Please check the number that you are dialling."

What was going on? I checked my phonebook. It was empty.

"Michael, please, wake up." I'm going crazy, I'm starting to hear voices.

"Come on man, wake up." I hear someone crying, they seemed sad. Why are these voices telling me to wake up? I am awake, aren't I? The pain became harder and harder to bear. My body caved in. I fell on my face. I looked around and closed my eyes, for the last time.

“Michael, wake up, please.”

I opened my eyes, I was in different room. There were two people in the room. I recognized them, they’re my friends. Where am I? What’s going on?

“Paul! He’s awake!” I recognized his voice.

“Gabriel... what’s going on?” Now there were three people present in the room, and I knew all three of them. Gabriel, Paul, and May. Everything came rushing back. “Where’s April?” As soon as those words came out of my mouth, the room fell silent. My memories rushed back.

We were coming home from celebrating something. I stopped at a red light. I was holding April’s hand. A car suddenly rear ends me, April wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. Her head hits the dashboard. My car drifted on to the flow of traffic, another car collided with me. The glass shattered, hitting my body. The door frame breaks and crushes my left side. I ignored my own pain. With my free hand, I tried to make sure April was okay. I kept on screaming her name, hoping she would hear me. There was no answer. I feared for the worst. I tried to squirm my way out of this metal death trap but it did no good. I was stuck, I started to tear. The pain in my heart seemed to hurt more than the physical damage I’m withstanding. Emergency services soon came to the scene and I felt like I shouldn’t even fight for my life anymore. Then, April whispered something, I couldn’t catch it. I screamed at the paramedics to help her, not me. But they thought I was just hysterical. I passed out soon after that. My eyes were closed but I could still hear the doctors and my friends talking.

“He’s gone into a state of coma. We tried everything we could do. He was in great excruciating pain and seeing his loved one die before his eyes must’ve triggered his brain into a coma. There’s nothing we could’ve done.”
“Wait,” I could hear May crying, “April’s dead? How?”
The doctor spoke again, “Her head collided with the dashboard forcibly. She suffered from head trauma. She died before she reached the hospital. I’m terribly sorry.”

“May,” Everyone looked at me and out of their own memories, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. She loved you Michael. She wouldn’t want you to be sorry. Be happy that you’re out of your coma and that you’re still alive.” As true as those words may have been, I still felt guilty for what happened.
“How long was I in a coma?”
“A whole month,”

Paul and Gabriel left the room, giving me and May some privacy. April was May’s older sister.

“What were me and April doing on the day it happened?”

“You guys went out to celebrate one year and eleven months.” Then my dream in my coma suddenly came back. 1:11AM. One year, eleven months. My dream suddenly seemed to make sense. My subconscious mind was taking in all the information that happened in that one night. It was all too much for me to bear. I felt the side of my body; the scars seemed to be present. I began to tear up, my heart started to ache like in my dream.

“Today is my two years.”

Truth.

"Once you pass through the stupidity and jerkness and assholeness of a guy, you'll realize that he keeps his soul protected, only to give it the purest one, to the most special people of his life."
- famous poet

Poetic Outlet, episode two

Let's start this off with some bla blas and la di das
I wanna get sick with it like I'm begging for sars
I stay well read cuz I'm expanding my mind
I'm complex like I'm saying Dan Brown lines

Not heartless, my heart's just darker than coal
I guess that's what happens when you sell your soul
I don't dream anymore, I've lived my nightmare
Survived my worst fear, said my last prayer

I'm the true heir, to the throne opposite of heaven
My mind refuses to close down like a seven eleven
Open twenty four seven, it needs permanent vacation
I'll slip it the pink slip, fire it from it's vocation

And that concludes my mind's termination.

Got Nothing but Love for This Chick

rla in the sky with diamonds in her eyes says (11:20 AM):
aw. ur one of the deepest guys ive ever met. and its weird, cos ur a dude. i think guys should open up more like you, or at least have a mind like yours. girls would most def. fall for that kind. but, its not about the girls. its how u got reall feelings, and that theyre shattered. or the fact that ur still living every day, tryin to put the good with the bad. and i still dont see u complain about it. its probably cos ur a dude, but how u use poems to tell ur story.. thats amazing. every poem u write or lyrics or whatever u wanna call it. i can always feel... ur emotions actually tlaking hahah. as weird as it may sound, every poem u wrote on the site, i felt it. even though im not in ur situation at all. i can actually feel ur pain :/
:)
mad respect to that

-love you b!

Poetic Outlet, episode 1

They say running away won't solve your problems
But what if running away is the only way to solve them?
You've been hurt, you're life was shattered
And now, you feel like nothing mattered

You can't cope anymore so you just wanna run
Towards the heavens or till you touch that sun
Somewhere far where no one else can find you
To live on with life and no one will mind you

A small price to pay, so you can never be hurt
No one to tell you that you're nothing but dirt
No one in the world can tell you what your worth
You're a diamond like everyone else on this earth

But they don't know that, so they bring people down
Trying to prove to themselves that they're the better one around
But we're all the same through our Lord's eyes
Even if some steal, cheat or say a few lies

Everyone deserves to find someone to make them smile
Even if it takes you many tries, it takes a while
And it'll be worthwhile when you find that someone
They'll brighten your day, you're sufferings finally done

And nothing else will matter because you're content
But change is constant, and soon, you'll resent
That you ever made room for such an emotion
It's the cycle of life, a never ending motion

And you're back to square one, feeling hurt once more
Until you realize that you're sick of it, so you close that door
Never letting anyone else get in cuz you're feeling hurt
And that smile made you realize what you're really worth

Made you feel replaceable, like you're really worthless
And you're thinking to yourself, not even love could be worth this
So you close your heart and you become cynical and cold
Never wanting to take another chance at something so bold

Thinking to yourself, that this will put a stop to all this pain
Cuz you've realized that love is an investment proved to be vain
It's one emotion that we can all do without
Cuz once it reaches it's climax, it's headed down south

And so far, nothing has proved your theory wrong
Everyone suffers when that love moves on
But now you're happy cuz you'll never feel pain
Until someone breaks that door down, thinking it won't end the same.

Lies.

I'm on a page rage, spit all over the stage
Face my twelve gauge, I'm just acting my age
Help me break out of this motherfucking cage
And I'm gone, I'll be back at the next ice age

Disappear cuz I've got nothing left here
And it's clear that I've shed too many tears
Drown out all the noises and voices I hear
Cuz with my choices left me for dead, now I fear

The damage was quite severe, and I'm waiting for death
It's like I'm on meth, I'm always running out of breath
I have insomnia, so I never see the cousin of death
And right now I'm waiting for me to inhale my last breath

Just really irked, I just wanted to write something out.

Word.

Things are getting back to normal. Happy?

Kick Me When I'm Down.

Kay, so I've noticed that I write when I'm stressing out or as a way to let out my anger and frustration. Recently, I went through another breakup. Wow, I'm treating this blogger thing as a livejournal aint i? Oh well, it's not like anyone bothers to read this. But yes, I went through the hardest break up ever. She lost interest in me hence, we broke up. But recently I've found out that it's mainly because she loves another. It's a bitch, ain't it? I guess it is karma more than anything. After so many times that I've broken up relationships in the past, I guess I knew sooner or later it'd happen to me. What am I to do? I still care for her. Heck, I care for the whole world, that's just how i was built. But now, I just want to hate everything that the world is. Because at least that makes sense. It makes more sense to me to hate everything after all it's put me through than still love it. It makes more sense to hate HER for the problems I'm in now than still love her. WTF is this. Am I really that dumbfounded by her that I can't even realize of how worthless she is? She can't be worthless. Nothing is. But it's killing me how she can sleep at night knowing she's slowly killing me here. After all we've been through, this is how I'm treated at the end. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. This pain and agony makes me wonder why even bother anymore. I can't take this anymore. It's too much to bear. I guess all I have to do now is just keep on smiling and never let this pain show. No one needs to know. Not even I do.

Run Away.

I bumped my head like an hour ago and I've been racking my mind of what useless information I have forgotten. You know what they say, a hit to the head makes you lose five brain cells. How much memory does five brain cells hold? But then again, we are only using 10% of our mind, so chances are, that five percent is in the other 90%.

I've always dreamt of running away to another city. A brand new start, no looking back. Just leave it all behind and start all over. Why? Because I'm cool like that. Kidding. Maybe it's cuz I'm secretly insane and running away keeps me sane? No, the whole idea is just... exciting. Meeting new people, you can be whoever you want. It's like when I write a story. I use my stories to explore different things. Argh, I'm not making any sense anymore. Oh well. It is me, what do you expect? Sometimes I just ramble on and on, as you would've guessed. Kay, I've wasted enough of your time.

P.S.
I've listened to Jason Mraz' Details in The Fabrics over two hundred times. It's just that good. GO LISTEN TO IT! NOW! :)

Projects Peeps!

Name - D.O.B. - Est Finish

Untitled Story - Dec 17/08 - soon times
Music Video - TBA - TBA
Jason Mraz Series - Jan 12/09 - soon times
Photoshoots - TBA - TBA

I got more, but that's my main ones.
Keeping myself busy to stop myself from thinking.

yepp yepp.
talk to you later readers!

It's Been A While.

Yes, I'm back. To what may I add? I'm almost sure I have no readers upon this site. I doubt anyone has even come across my illicitdesire page, let alone know who I am. Shoot, even I don't know the answer to that. I thought I knew, but now, I'm not sure. I've been in such a disarray lately that it's killing me. It's hurting my mentality. I've been in such a hole lately that someone might as well bury me down here. I know, it's quite emo of me to say such absurd words. But what I feel is not absurd. What I feel is deception, confusion, anger. Again, all at the same time.

I've lost someone quite important to me. I'll catch you up to date. I think it has been two months now. We broke up, my girlfriend and I. She broke up with me. She has another in her heart. Told me how she does not feel the same way about me. And she hasn't loved me for a month prior to that. I'll be honest, I didn't even know. No signs whatsoever. In my perspective, that new guy stole her from me. Or something like that. I don't want to know. I'm sure it'd hurt more if I did know. Whatever. I just want her happy. Nothing more to that. I love her enough to say that I'd rather her be happy than be miserable. But then where do I fit in? If she gets her happiness, where's mine? Am I forever doomed to be miserable?

I know I'm sounding quite cynical. I think I deserve to be, after putting everyone around me before me. I've gotten sick of it. What can I do to make my happiness come? Let everything fall apart? Let everything in the hands of God? I think I've done that, showed it every day.

Anyways, I think I'll cut this short. I've lost my anger due to my friends talking me out of it. Distracting my mind, thank God for ADD i suppose. I'll write soon. For now, enjoy an old fashion poem.

Six minutes to midnight, I've lost it all
I'm still trying to get up from my last fall
I can't imagine why I'm feeling like this
Maybe it's cuz I've lost what is now his

Five minutes to midnight, I'm lost in my mind
And here I am, squiggling a bunch of lines
I fear for what has yet to come
I want out of this phase so dumb

So stupid, I don't quite understand
Four minutes, I've lost where I stand
I'm falling in a bottomless pit
I stood for eternity, I almost forgot how to sit

But that's besides the point, I'm lost now
C'est la vie, that's how life is now
Three minutes left to midnight
It's funny how I'd fight

Till my last breath for another chance
But she made me feel small like ants
Like a bug, she pushed me away so easily
Two minutes left, I hate that I've been so moody

Like a girl, being her time of the month
Leaving you for dead like you wer a prey in her hunt
What can you do except get up, take a flight
I lie here, waiting for the time of midnight

(I'll admit, not my best work. But I got my feelings out. I'm satisfied.)

Btw, listen to Jason Mraz - Details in the Fabric. Great song.