Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Axiom.

You're special.
And that's only scratching the surface of what I think about you.
There are millions of words in the English dictionary.
And I still can't find the right set of words to explain what goes through my mind when my smile reflects yours.
A million synonyms and antonyms.
And I still can't find the ideal word to describe how beautiful your eyes are, when I find myself lost in them.
A million different combinations of sentences can be formed.
And yet, I still can't find that sentence that would plunge despair, doubt, cynicism, hate and envy out of your vocabulary.
A million thoughts formed in a single second.
But the one thought that I need to perfectly portray the loveliness that I see in you, always alludes me.
It escapes me.
Like the millions of phrases that I wish I could come up with to properly display the attraction that your mind has captured me with.
Billions and millions and thousands of expressions are out there,
Not one of them can depict, in HD quality imagery, the way my heart beats faster when it hears the beat of your heart.
I can't come across a single axiom, or the truth when I try to explain the effects inflicted towards me when I hear the sound your soothing, calming, gentle voice.
It's impossible to explain how my soul smiles when it senses that you are near by.
You're special, and it's difficult to explain what you mean to me.
But some things are better left unexplained.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I Don't Understand

NOTE: I wrote this about a month ago. I never got around to posting it here. Well, without further ado, enjoy!

I Don't Understand.

I don't understand.
I don't understand how people are always telling me that I'm nice, I'm a good guy, I've got an interesting personality, I've got a brilliant mind and I've got a great smile.
And sometimes, they say I'm hella cute.
And yet, with all those apparent qualities that people see in me,
Why do I end up with friends who become more than friends but in the end, they're nothing but a bunch of...
You might say I'm just bitter.
But because of them my entire life has scars and stitches and each one of them tell a story.
This one, on my right shoulder, was from the time I spent countless hours listening to her because I was a coward.
I took pride that she could cower and take cover on my shoulder and I didn't want to lose that bond with her.
She would always tell me, oh Angelo, why can't I find a guy like you, but you did find a guy like me
I wanted to tell her how I felt, but she just kept on telling me that she wished she could find a guy like me.
She eventually did find a guy like me...
This one, on my left cheek, is from this girl that seemed meek, but she would always flirt with me.
It meant the world to me, but it was worth more to me than it was to her.
Because the minute I felt like we were going steady, her boyfriend punched me across the face.
And when my face took impact with his fist, all I could think about was what did I do to deserve this.
So as I lied flat on my back, with her holding him back, I got up and swung my fist back.
I never spoke to her again.
This one on my right wrist was from the time I fell for lust.
She, grabbed me by the wrist, and we, found a place to ourselves, and I pulled her closer by the hips, and we... kissed.
But we met minutes ago.
I suggested we took things slow.
Start off with a hi, I'm Angelo.
And just, you know, go with the flow?
She got off me and left the room.
She hissed and said she just wanted a one night honeymoon.
Without the matrimony or love in full bloom.
I hope she caught AIDS.
There was the time where this girl left a scar on my back, right behind my spine.
I thought she was mine, and that the whole universe was finally aligned and that everything was finally fine.
But, she would always lie to me.
And I always believed her.
Because I cared for her.
I stood by her side, comforting her when she needs me, always by her side, I was there when she was sick, by her bedside.
She told me that I was the best boyfriend she ever had, and that she never wanted it to end.
But nine weeks in, I found out that she... she...she had... another boyfriend.
I felt betrayed, backstabbed, bamboozled, I was back to square one.
I hope he broke her heart.
I have a scar, in the middle, of my heart.
It hasn't healed yet.
Because she, made me, happy.
Happier than any form of drugs, alcohol or temporary high could bring.
She was my natural high.
Seeing her smile was the drug that I needed to get by, everyday.
We were both busy for one another, but the way we made time for each other was...amazing.
I would pick her up after her work just so I could spend half an hour on the bus with her.
I would wait for her to get off school just so I could walk her home.
We would take the long way getting home whenever we had the chance to go out.
She would leave me voicemail every morning just to remind me that she cares about me.
For Valentine's Day, I bought her a bouquet and went to her place.
Only to find out that she bought me a bouquet and went to my place.
She was really special to me.
So I gave her a gift that I never gave to anyone before.
I gave her something precious to me.
I gave her...
My heart.
Everything was going great, I knew we had something great, but she, broke up, with me.
I didn't know why, and I held in my tears, pride didn't let me cry.
But I was hurt, she broke my self-worth
I became cold, frigid, arctic weather towards any girl trying to get close to me.
But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't break past what I am.
I'll be forever known as
A nice guy, with a smile that seems to always be there.
I'll always be that guy
with the brilliant mind and a great personality... but maybe... maybe that's my liability.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Breaktime.

So, I have little faith in myself. I have twelve questions left about the rest of the 1984 novel where I'm only half way through Part One. Due in a matter of hours. Followed by a two short 250 word essays on feeling helpless, and the concept of memory and existence. Along with a poem with the same theme as 1984. These reflection papers are due this friday. Oh joy. Plus, I feel like my teacher's going to kill me tomorrow. Good thing I'm continuing my math where I left off and not from scratch. At least I'm okay with that. I think. NTS: Attend school more frequently. Four times a week, if not five. Fuck me and my school habits. Honestly.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

D:<

I'm so unproductive. FML.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Daydreamin'

I was up, at three in the morning.
Just sitting on my bed.
With George Orwell's 1984 novel sitting on my lap.
But my eyes weren't anywhere near the font of the book.
Instead, they were staring straight at my beige wall.
My attention focused on a night light shooting star sticker the previous owners had left.
I was up, at three in the morning.
Daydreaming.
Running away from the novel that was assigned to me.
Instead of imagery of Winston Smith, the world he struggles with, and the always watching Big Brother,
My attention focused on a world where there is here and here is there.
I was up, daydreaming.
Inside my own world that I drew and painted.
Where characters from my own ideas evovle into real people that interact with me.
And struggle with me.
Even in my own world, I have problems.
For if it was not for conflicts, our lives would be too quick.
The beige wall helped paint the scene where my mind has taken me.
Clouds colour the sky grey as the sun seeks refuge behind them.
An urban city road filled with busy, shady people.
All keeping to themselves, I sit and observe from a distance.
Some interact with who I presume are their friends and I observe from a distance.
I wish to reach out and interact with the blank faces of those walking by me
But instead, I keep my hands to myself and observe... from a distance.
This distance is killing me, I thought, as I too, yearned for social interaction.
But the distance I've lived with has kept me distant from people.
Unable to connect, to feel, to love, to interact, I keep to myself... and observe... from a distance.
Until this female character sits besides me, and observes the world... with me.
At first, I was confused by this notion as she sat a little too close to me.
She sat down and mimicked my posture as she too hugged her knees.
When she had completely copied how I was sitting, she turned to me, and smiled.
I stared at her, in confusion and curiousity.
She turned back to the crowd and observed.
Even though she was watching from a distance, she didn't have the same cold feeling resonating from her.
I turned back to the crowds, debating why she pulsed a different aura even though we are in a similar situation.
And we watched, from a distance... in silence.
But I wasn't paying attention to the people that interacted with one another.
They became uninteresting once she sat beside me.
I looked into the crowd, but she was the focus of my attention, through the corner of my eye.
She turned her head, back at me, and smiled once again.
We talked, as the people went on about thier day.
I started to feel something strange, in my heart, but I could not describe it.
"It's called love," she said, and described the conditions of this new disease.
She laughed at my reaction, and I blankly stared at her.
Love, I thought to myself.
I turned to the crowd and the blank faces turned to smiles and upside down smiles.
I began to feel what these people are feeling.
And I understood why she didn't have the cold aura resonating from her.
It's because she loves.
And she brought love to my life.
I told her I wished to stay in her presence.
Because I was able to connect, to feel, to love, to interact.
And it was with her help that I was able to do such things.
She smiled, and I realized the stupidity of my request.
It's just a daydream.
I was up, at three in the morning.
Just emerging from the story my mind has brought to life.
With a fresh smile from the feeling that person had given me.
It may have been just a daydream.
But the aura that resonated from her is still with me.
It may have been just a daydream, but that encounter with her, meant the world to me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Vulnerable.

What makes you so different?
Cuz you see, I've placed walls that are stacked so high, no one was suppose to see the very top of it.
Not even if you stand right under it and not even if you stood three hundred kilometers away from it.
It's stacked so high that if I made these imaginary walls into something that reality can see...
It would climb higher than the skies could reach, higher than any satellite orbiting the sky, higher than logically possible.
That it would not only disrupt the orbit of Mars, but get past the asteroid belt, hit Jupiter, break off Saturn's rings, fix the spin of Uranus, and hit the blue mass that we call Neptune.
And it wouldn't stop there.
It'd leave our solar system and fuck up the near by system's rotating orbit.
It's built so high that it would reach the end of the universe.
And that's said with the theory that the universe has no end.
But not only did it hit the wall of the universe, but it broke through and who knows what the fuck is outside the universe.
And if it found itself an entrance to a black hole... it would've found the exit.
I know it's not logical, fuck you science. It's called a metaphor.
You could try and dig under, but these walls are dug in deep.
Dug in so deep that I don't even recall when they were being constructed.
Or how deep the hole was when construction was happening.
These walls are so thick that no atomic bomb could be strong enough to decimate it.
So thick that if you used a drill to try and get through to me, you'd have better luck trying to break out from Alcatraz by digging your way out...with a toothpick.
The distance between the outside wall and where I am is so wide that it would be faster if you circled the earth...as a paraplegic... without your wheelchair... terminally ill with lung cancer.
It's the ultimate defense.
So what makes you so different?
You're different because... in my mind, where these walls exist, where I'm in a room where no one has ever stepped foot before... not my family, not my exes, not any of my friends have seen the inside of this room...
But in my mind... you're there... with me.
Telling me that I'm okay, pulling me away from these shackles that we call insecurity.
And I'm amazed that she did not find a monster inside the room, but a friend.
A friend who has been inside that isolation unit for so long, with his insecurity his only company... He's clung onto her, he's become attached.
But that doesn't erase what his past has put him through.
He's scared, he's... anxious. He's unsure.
Making another mistake is something that will definitely close that gap that she managed to find. Because my walls are unbreachable.
Somehow, you've given me the atmosphere that I use to be all too familiar with.
I let my guard down.
You slipped right past that wall.
And if my past came back to haunt me with this new and yet too familiar situation...
I'd blame myself.
For letting my guard down.
I hope you understand the risk I'm taking here...for you.
So what makes you different?
What makes you so different from the others that I've let my guard down in front of?
What differentiates you from the ones that slipped past my defence and stabbed the monster inside?
What makes it different is that I wanted to let my guard down.
Because I'm sick of putting up these walls, just to avoid the hurt, the pain, the emotional tail that follows friendships.
Because, to be honest, I thought you were cute but I didn't let my walls see through just because of that.
Nor does it revolve around that reason.
Because something inside me told me to let you into who I really am.
Because something about you has brought back who I use to be, with a hint of how I am now.
Because for the first time in years, I've let someone know who I am, on the inside.
Something about you made me feel...safe.
I let my guard down, and I'm slowly coming out of my shell.
I feel vulnerable around you.
I feel attached.
I hate it.
But my hate for feeling vulnerable is nothing compared to the smile that I hide from you when I'm around you.
And I hope that feeling never becomes different.

Focus&Fly.

I need to keep focused.
And get this project lifted off the ground.
But I need food.
I'm starving.
Parents, where are you ! :(

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Routine.

Monday - school, night school, homework.
Tuesday - school, go out, bowling, homework.
Wednesday - school, night school, homework.
Thursday - school, go out, homework.
Friday - school, go out.
Saturday - bowling, go out, homework.
Sunday - go out, homework.

motivation, where are you?
determination, must i always rely on you?
perseverance, why do you have to be the one around?

let's keep focused.

ps.
Eric Blair's life is hella interesting. Makes me want to be a writer now. But I'm not letting go of being a photographer <3

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Past-time.

Dexter - S2E3
House - up to date
HIMYM - up to date
Bones - rewatching
The Mentalist - rewatching
Fringe - up to date
NCIS - up to date
Supernatural - rewatching
Naruto - up to date
Full Metal Alchemist - up to date
Nabari no ou - Ep 5

yeah, i think that's all.
can't help but think i'm missing something.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How to Break a Man - Vince "Tictac" Ticsay

take away his eyes
no, that'll only make him listen, make him feel past his environment,
make him overlook the horizon and discover what's beyond it,
his mind will intensify, his remaining senses inclining, and and he will see with no eyes.
put a brick wall in front of his blind sight he will work his way around it, over it, or under it,
and he will not break

take away his ears
no that'll make him see with no discrimination,
the world turning revolving and evolving in his position,
he will observe, absorb, and understand with a limitless mind.
he will hear no evil nor good, leaving his limits behind flying over the neutral grounds of wisdom,
and he will not break


take away his strength?
no no for his mind will just grow more powerful beyond its limits,
his intellect will just compensate and work its way through the laws physics,
arithmetic punches and verbal lashings that could destroy a person in pieces, and
he will think and create and destroy soley through his intellect reaching beyond the high infinities of gods
and he will not break

take away his mind
no, for he will only live the simple life of ignorant bliss,
his own stupidity nurturing him from the world's cruel abyss,
his soul maintained in the innocence of morality unaware of mortality his brain will just gain back it's loss of knowledge and
he will not break


so how do you break a man?


you break his heart
the heart that lets him see beyond sight, makes him listen beyond sound, keeps him strong beyond limit, makes him think beyond knowledge.


you take away his heart's passion, the greatest thing his mind, soul and body revolves in,
the definition of his humanity and crush it right between his watered eyes,
and he will not dare seek anything ever again.
and you break his fucking heart

leave him stranded alone in an ocean created by hope with nothing but the company of loneliness,
its soulless whisper of misery will be the only sound he will hear,
and he will wish he could rip his own ears out,
and you break his fucking heart

push him and leave him falling in the bottomless pits of hopeless love, craving for that one hand that could save him from his fate, and he will be weak and pathetic.
his strength will be no avail and its uselessness will only cause him to generate more hate.
and you break his fucking heart

cage him in the darkness alone with the monster called his mind,
and it will chew him alive with the jaws of self-hate and regret, his every second filled with the visions of the past with no love to keep him warm in the coldness of memory.
and you break his fucking heart

how do you break a man
... you break him while falling in love
falling...
falling...

broken..


http://tictactalksandthoughts.blogspot.com

Monday, November 9, 2009

Insecurity.

Am I special?
I'm an infant playing with toys.
A child learning to play the game.
Just a kid living in a virtual world.
A teen challenging the bounderies of his mind.
Just an eighteen year old holding a controller, exploring the realms of the real world.
See, I'm nothing special.
I'm walking through life, aimlessly.
Trying to decipher the maze inside the mind.
Breathless at the wonders of the free world.
I'm just curious, and I act on it.
So, I'm just an infant, playing with toys.
I'm nothing special.
I'm trying to learn to be the perfect person.
Though I'm failing to even come near that goal.
Because perfection does not exist.
But I still strive to be perfect at what I do.
I'm just a child learning to play the game.
I'm nothing close to special.
I pretend everything's a game.
So that when I get hurt, I just restart.
Except I don't start from the beginning.
I start from where I left off,
Pick up the pieces and move forward.
Playing an RPG and my charisma is my strongest attribute.
Use my smile 'cuz it's my strongest magic
And hope to charm an unsuspecting victim.
I'm just a kid living in a virtual world.
I'm nothing, especially not special.
I'm in love with the human mind.
Only using ten percent, I strive to unlock the other ninety.
Einstein discovered math, and they believed he used eleven percent.
Imagine, the possibilities when one's using all one hundred percent.
But I dabble in first hand experiences.
Experiments, figuring out how it works through experiments.
I'm just a teen challenging the bounderies of his mind.
I'm experimenting with your feelings, is that why you think I'm special?
I'm finally eighteen.
Technically legal.
But I'm still childish.
Immature.
Smiling and laughing like a little kid should.
Making jokes, making those around me smile.
An eighteen year old, with an infant's mind.
Eighteen years of age, with a child's attention span.
Eighteenth year since birth, still a kid at heart.
Eighteen years have passed
I've accomplished nothing
I've let a decade and eight years slip by me.
I'm not special!
That's how the world portrays me.
How jobs and careers and schools show me.
I'm nothing, except another face in the street.
Another body in the city.
Another figure in the shadow of the world.
I'm just somebody else.
I'm easily replaced.
So basically, the entire universe tells me I'm not special.
I'm just another human being.
So please, save your "You are special to me," speech for some other sucker.
Because I know the truth.
I'm just another character.
I'm not special...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Dreams, dreams, dreams.

So I'll give you a quick run down of my dream.
Throughout the whole thing, cute girls would smile at me, and I'd run.
I blame Imn for this because of what he did earlier today. LOL
Anyways, after a while of that, I was on the subway.
Then I got off at University Station, which doesn't exist, I know.
And the platform was above ground so there was a staircase.
Only after a while, the staircase was broken and became a pile of rocks.
And the pile of rocks turned into a slidy-thing that I couldn't grip on.
So I had to slide the rest of the way.
Then, subway going back was about to go, so I ran for it.
Luckily, and for some strange reason, it wasn't the same height as the subway platform I just got off of.
But it was still higher than me, so I had to jump to get in.
I jumped right before the door closed and everyone in the train was smiling and amused at the fact that I did just jump for a subway.
That's pretty much it.
But there's this cute girl that I kept on seeing.
Sigh, I think it's the same one from today.
The one with the white mushroom cap.
Okay, I'm starting to lose all the details.
That's it, I suppose.
Later.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Loafting.

Refocus myself.
-School
-Photography
-Poetry
-Stories

I'm on it.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Yellow Submarine.

While I try to finish my ISU,
I just wanted to leave this for you guys.
Beatles FTW.
If you don't know, you fail.









Major News!

.lєzαdα,αngelo; nap says (5:15 PM):
i have heard rumours that there's some areas that are open
Alvarado: says (5:15 PM):
really
wow
that better not be true
haha cause thats unfair
.lєzαdα,αngelo; nap says (5:15 PM):
yeah
i'll take my g2
and then you'll take yours
and then we'll burn the motherfucker down!
Alvarado: says (5:15 PM):
hell yeah
haha
.lєzαdα,αngelo; nap says (5:16 PM):
and then some cute asians asks us why we did it, and then we're screwed
Alvarado: says (5:17 PM):
LOL
.lєzαdα,αngelo; nap says (5:18 PM):
Superman's real weakness was not Kryptonite, but in fact, asian girls.
that's why he's never been in Japan.
Alvarado: says (5:19 PM):
HAHA
no wonder no one fought Godzilla
.lєzαdα,αngelo; nap says (5:20 PM):
LMAO word !

With that said,
http://flickr.com/photos/sinematic

fifty new updates for all of you !

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Finish Line.

Slowly but surely, I'll reach the end.
And when it all comes to an end, I'll be wondering how did time slip by me.
What I go through, you may not see it my way, you definitely don't know how I feel.
Put yourself in my shoes? You can't, you'll never see how I think, you'll never feel what I go through. Because I'm not you, I'm different.
So don't belittle my thoughts, I don't need your opinion.
I'm getting tired of you looking down on how I do things.
Just keep your thoughts to yourself, I didn't ask for your opinion.
Certainly not about MY life.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let's Move On.

Everyone seems to be growing up, moving on.
I guess it's time for me to pack up and move.
There's not much holding me back.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
Next stop, wherever my imagination takes me.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Horrible.

My friend keeps telling me I'm horrible on an almost daily basis.
My friend calls me evil at times.
Some people say I'm a very deceitful person.
But I'm human.
I'm also sincere, brutally honest, passionate.
I think those three qualities should outshine my cynical side.
I must admit, I may not be conceited, and sometimes I lack confidence and self esteem, but I am cynical, up to a certain point.
I've gone through a lot, so my kind hearted nature that people keep telling me that I am, which I sometimes disbelieve due to my humble and cynical nature, is hard to reach.
It's buried underneath everything I've gone through.
Also, I've become impatient.
If you don't believe me, I won't waste my time telling you that I really am telling the truth.
I am who I am.
I've accepted myself for who I am.
I'm not going to change for anyone, ever again.
It's a warning, so that when you get close, and you, for some strange reason, fall for me, you'll know what to expect.
Even just befriending me, I don't hide my true colours.
I show them from the first day I'll meet you, to the very last words you'll ever say to me.
I've got trust issues, so you'll have to prove yourself.
I know, you're thinking, who the fuck am I to be saying such things.
If you're thinking that, then... you don't deserve my friendship.
Yes, I said deserve.
I lack self esteem, but I know damn well that I'm a good person.
And that I am worth more than a backstab opportunity waiting to happen.
But if you do manage to pull through, break down all the walls I've placed, walk past every landmine I've planted and look past everything I portray on the outside...
You'll see that inside, lies a soul, who's kind hearted, generous, sincere, honest, passionate, loving, caring, intelligent, interesting, and holds a heart too big for him to hold.
But I promise you, you'll go through hell and back before you ever take a glimpse of that soul, that side of me.
That's why I'm branded as horrible.