Bad Timing Cont'd

I'm the worst at this. Breaking off a relationship. I could never do it properly, without any tears. Why do break ups always have to end in hurt, pain and tears? Why haven't I had one experience where the break up resulted in a happy ending? My friends always tell me about how they're still talking to their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. I've never had a single conversation with someone I've dated after the break up. But I had no choice, I didn't want to lead her on anymore. I don't love her anymore. I just don't feel like being in a relationship. After the previous ones, I just don't see the purpose of relationship and commitment anymore. I really like her, but I think she deserves someone who is commited to her and is willing to be there for her when she needs someone there for her. Me? I can't be there for her, because I've changed. I'm not that type of person anymore, and it's all her fault. I guess it's just bad timing.

Bad timing, I hated when a girl would tell me that. It would always mean that we could've been something but because their stupid ex screwed them over and they're still drooling over them, ruins my future with them. It meant that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet or she's just not that interested in being held down. I hated it. And look at me now, I'm going to be the one telling her. I'm the one that an ex screwed over. I'm the one that isn't ready to be committed. I'm the one that doesn't want to be held down. I'm a fucking hypocrite.

I keep telling myself this, and I never follow through. I've been putting this aside for almost a month now. And the more and more I spend time with her, the less and less feelings I feel for her. Right now, and I'll probably feel bad for even thinking of it like this, but I feel like she's more of a friends with benefit, except she loves me. What can I do? I don't want to see her as just that. I'd rather have her as my friend rather than someone I'm using. I suppose this is it. I'm just planning it all out right now.

Pick her up from her place, bring her to a fancy restaurant. Buy the most expensive meal that she could enjoy. Take her out to the beach out of town, the skyline of the city from there is beautiful. Hold her in my arms one last time. After the sun has set and spending a few couple of hours, I'll drop her home. Thank God her parents won't be home. They treat us like we're married. I'm only nineteen and she's eighteen, I don't think marriage was anywhere near our future.

I got ready, made sure that I looked presentable. I may be breaking up with her, but I wanted to be the best I can be for this moment. I want her to remember the good times, and not the bad. Today, tonight, I'm going to try and keep a friendship with an exgirlfriend.

So here I go. I got up, walked towards the door. God help me.