I've been thinking...
Love is a four letter word, yet it can't be described. It's inscribed in our daily lives. We say it daily, but have we meant it lately? I'll be the first to admit, I thought I was in love. But in a minute, I was out of it. I'd quit the minute I would feel like I was getting in too deep. I didn't want any emotions to bother my sleep. Sometimes I question myself if I've ever fallen in love. Wondering if the world would ever let me fall in love. Love, such a word should not even exist. Yet we list it in our every day emotion. The notion of falling in love is over rated. Out dated, because our generation is sedated by balancing the feelings of being hated. If we cannot hate, then we cannot open our hearts. Because if there is no one to hate, then we will never know the meaning of the word. It may sound absurd, but hate is here because of fate. Lately, I've been feeling that I have never fallen into that emotion. That everything that was in motion set the mood, the atmosphere. And I fear that I do not even know how to express love, let alone speak of it. I'm just a geek with a camera and an intellectual mind. And yet, I speak of love like it was mine. Like it was engraved in the back of my mind. Love, I thought I have experienced this four letter word. I tried to speak to my heart, but I was left unheard. It occured to me that my mind and my heart will never understand one another. So why bother? But I was told that when the mind, body and soul are in harmony, that is when we find inner peace. So if I find that those three are synced happily, then I will be in control. In control of my actions, and we will be joined in one faction. But will I ever reach that destination? Because all I've been doing is listening to my heart with hesitation. Waiting for the right sign, to invest in such an emotion. Because dating is one thing, but growing to love that person is another. Love truly is something, but why do we bother to decipher it? Like it was some coded message from the heavens above. Maybe love is forbidden, that is why we cannot explain it.
I'll admit, I thought I was in love many times before. And I thought that I've learned that lesson, and locked that door. Never letting anyone in and never letting myself out. Now, whenever I speak of love, I begin to doubt if there is truth in my words. I'm just a youth, what do I know? I'm just going with the flow that is leaking from my heart. Because I've been torn apart, so there is a hole for which my heart bleeds through. And I'm through with trying to fix it. I figured, I should just let it bleed because I'm tired of trying to feed my need to be loved. But what am I to you? I'm just another person that you speak to. I'm just hoping that you don't see through the walls I've placed in front of me. To block out the thoughts of you loving me. Because I am hideous underneath my layers. I'm like an ogre, I even have my own lair. My room has become my lair in which I hide from the existance. If you ever miss me, you'll know where to reach me in an instant. I hide in my prison of pillows and bed sheets. I'm my own worst nightmare, and I'm a monster I can't beat. It's a feat that I'm not quite ready to reach. Because the monster inside has so much more to teach.
I'm a monster, who preaches about love, it's only a word. It's absurd to think that it exists. It's too strong of a word and it consists of explanation that is yet to be heard. It's absurd for one like me to ever feel such things like this. Because in my life time, I've moved from first kiss to last kiss, in a mere matter of weeks. I'm just a geek with a pen and a camera. And if the world rained on my day, I wouldn't need an umbrella. Because I've learned to deal with it, thanks to the illusion of loving another human being. Such a fake feeling, we are not meant to love, it's an illusion not a feeling. Meaning we are selfish and we can only love ourselves. And everyone else ends up like dusty books on the top book shelves. Left alone until you decide one day to reach for it again. And recollect whatever friendship you had with them and then, return it to its resting place.
Love is a four letter word. With meanings unheard and it's absurd to think otherwise. If you are wise, you'd take heed to what I am speaking. But it's biased because my heart's been leaking. I cannot stop myself from loving everyone around. But love is the only thing that gets me lying on the ground. I am a loving person, that's how I was made. And I am forced to continue to obey my heart. My heart which yearns to be cared. I've always wondered how my heart would fair if I was to let it out of my sight. I think I have to keep it to myself from now on.
So the question lies, who am I to speak of this? I am but a humble being, knowing his place in all of this. And one day, I'm hoping I'll be missed. But I know that I will not because I am not made to be loved. It's an order from the heavens above. I can only love others, but no one will see what I crave. Because that's just how I was made. See, it's usually the people who are caring and happy that hurt the most. And in the midst of it all, everyone assumed that they don't know what they lost. But that is not true. There are few who realize what I go through. I know that I am a monstrous being. But yet, I am one that everyone has been leaving. And yet you are still here. But I fear that in time, you won't be. That's why I'm sorry if I do not seem very interested in getting close. I'm nicer than most and yet I'm the one who never seems to understand what that word meant. Maybe I am heaven sent. Meant to love those around me because we know that the world has let that emotion free. I am a monster that you'll learn to hate. I am a friend that everyone adores. I am everything that is not meant to be. So I ask you this one last question. Who am I to you?
I'll admit, I thought I was in love many times before. And I thought that I've learned that lesson, and locked that door. Never letting anyone in and never letting myself out. Now, whenever I speak of love, I begin to doubt if there is truth in my words. I'm just a youth, what do I know? I'm just going with the flow that is leaking from my heart. Because I've been torn apart, so there is a hole for which my heart bleeds through. And I'm through with trying to fix it. I figured, I should just let it bleed because I'm tired of trying to feed my need to be loved. But what am I to you? I'm just another person that you speak to. I'm just hoping that you don't see through the walls I've placed in front of me. To block out the thoughts of you loving me. Because I am hideous underneath my layers. I'm like an ogre, I even have my own lair. My room has become my lair in which I hide from the existance. If you ever miss me, you'll know where to reach me in an instant. I hide in my prison of pillows and bed sheets. I'm my own worst nightmare, and I'm a monster I can't beat. It's a feat that I'm not quite ready to reach. Because the monster inside has so much more to teach.
I'm a monster, who preaches about love, it's only a word. It's absurd to think that it exists. It's too strong of a word and it consists of explanation that is yet to be heard. It's absurd for one like me to ever feel such things like this. Because in my life time, I've moved from first kiss to last kiss, in a mere matter of weeks. I'm just a geek with a pen and a camera. And if the world rained on my day, I wouldn't need an umbrella. Because I've learned to deal with it, thanks to the illusion of loving another human being. Such a fake feeling, we are not meant to love, it's an illusion not a feeling. Meaning we are selfish and we can only love ourselves. And everyone else ends up like dusty books on the top book shelves. Left alone until you decide one day to reach for it again. And recollect whatever friendship you had with them and then, return it to its resting place.
Love is a four letter word. With meanings unheard and it's absurd to think otherwise. If you are wise, you'd take heed to what I am speaking. But it's biased because my heart's been leaking. I cannot stop myself from loving everyone around. But love is the only thing that gets me lying on the ground. I am a loving person, that's how I was made. And I am forced to continue to obey my heart. My heart which yearns to be cared. I've always wondered how my heart would fair if I was to let it out of my sight. I think I have to keep it to myself from now on.
So the question lies, who am I to speak of this? I am but a humble being, knowing his place in all of this. And one day, I'm hoping I'll be missed. But I know that I will not because I am not made to be loved. It's an order from the heavens above. I can only love others, but no one will see what I crave. Because that's just how I was made. See, it's usually the people who are caring and happy that hurt the most. And in the midst of it all, everyone assumed that they don't know what they lost. But that is not true. There are few who realize what I go through. I know that I am a monstrous being. But yet, I am one that everyone has been leaving. And yet you are still here. But I fear that in time, you won't be. That's why I'm sorry if I do not seem very interested in getting close. I'm nicer than most and yet I'm the one who never seems to understand what that word meant. Maybe I am heaven sent. Meant to love those around me because we know that the world has let that emotion free. I am a monster that you'll learn to hate. I am a friend that everyone adores. I am everything that is not meant to be. So I ask you this one last question. Who am I to you?
2 comments:
"And one day, I'm hoping I'll be missed. But I know that I will not because I am not made to be loved. It's an order from the heavens above. I can only love others, but no one will see what I crave."
Not true. You could be shortsighted of the people that care about you, because you're selectively caring and so your attention is focused on the people you show your affection to. There could be people who love you, but you aren't aware of their love, or they're just not that great at showing it. You ARE made to be loved, bumhead.
But yes, it's hard to know whether or not you're in love. When we're older we might know. You're inviting me to your wedding, right??!? You better! hahaha
And lastly, you're a brother to me, you already know. We're chilling in March, kay? OKAY.
You are my bro. No less.
Post a Comment